For anyone who has ever watched "New Girl" (if you haven't, what are you doing with your life?), they know that Schmidt is by far the best character on the show. As the resident douchebag, he constantly has some sort of witty comeback, outrageous story or, as you'll see below, hilarious one-liners. His best quotes are somewhat ridiculous, but gosh dangit if they aren't absolutely hilarious, and to be perfectly honest, isn't college also somewhat ridiculous and hilarious?
1. "I'm gonna really need you to step it up tonight. When I see you, I wanna be thinking, who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?"
When you and your girlfriends get ready go to your first frat party.
2. "I don't celebrate Christmas. Or as I like to call it, 'White Anglo Saxon Winter Privilege Night'."
When you find out that your college doesn't cancel class for Jewish holidays.
3. "The economy stinks, the bees are dying, and movies are pretty much all sequels now."
Your mood after you fail the test you have been studying two weeks for.
4. "I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano's phone number just by randomly choosing numbers."
When you pull yourself out of your post-test-failing depression with a newfound determination to succeed.
5. "I'm a squirrel. You're my nut. Winter's coming I'm gonna store you in my cheek, girl."
When cuffing season rolls around.
6. "If I pee while it's happening, will she die?"
When you have to take your required sexual heath workshops.
7. "She's on a flip phone, Jess. I mean, she's either poor or a time traveler."
When you finally get out of your little suburban bubble and find out that not everyone had a car in high school...gasp.
8. "What if Nick gets into an accident? What if he's horribly disfigured and I have to identify him, and all that remains are his private parts? And I'm standing there and I'm saying, 'Sorry officer, I can't help you because no, I haven't seen his penis.' And then boom, he's buried in an unmarked grave."
When you're just trying to get close to your new friends.
9. "Can we just take a moment to celebrate me?"
When you shockingly make it to all of your classes that week and it feels like the greatest accomplishment of your life.
10. "Pine has no place in this house, it's the wood of poor people and outhouses."
When you try to give your apartment/dorm an aesthetic but know nothing about aesthetic.
11. "Sometimes, I just think I'm a riddle that even I can't solve."
When people know what their major is and have their life planned ten years into the future and you don't even know what you want to eat for breakfast.
12. "Well you have found my flabbergast button, and guess what? You've pressed it."
When someone tells you that they don't drink coffee.
13. "Statistically speaking, every American thinks about Abraham Lincoln at least once a day."
When you visit home for the first time since going to college and you want to impress your family with how much you know now.
14. "Girl, 'Imma marry you."
When Brad or Chad make eye contact with you for .02 seconds.
15. "I just want to come home, put on my 'mono and just hang loose, man."
When the sweet, glorious taste of Friday finally comes.
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