Almost everyone I know has experienced the nerves that come with being in the spotlight, whether it’s alone or with a group. It’s perfectly natural to get butterflies in your stomach when you realize that all eyes are on you, or could be on you. However, once those butterflies turn into nausea, and your hands start shaking, and your breath gets caught in your throat so it feels like you’ll either cry or suffocate, there’s something a little more sinister than “just nerves” going on.
I have been a performer for my entire life. When I was little, I took dance classes that had an end-of- the-year recital. I acted in our Christmas pageants and biblical musicals (yes, they do exist) at my church up to the end of elementary school. In middle school I was in band, choir, show choir, and the fall musical all three years, and I continued those activities in high school as well. I used to thrive on honor bands like All-State, or smaller ones hosted by area universities. Here in college, I am also in band and choir, but there are more personal performances available, like juries at the end of the semester. There are countless opportunities to showcase your talents, and that’s one of the things I love about my college, but it seems like every time one of those opportunities comes my way, I am terrified to take advantage of it. Despite my extensive history on the stage, even just thinking about being put on the spot makes me want to run, and the most annoying part is that it seems to only happen when I’m playing trumpet, which happens to be part of my major.
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I have always been nervous when it comes to things like auditions. I probably first noticed the shakiness of my breath when it was my turn to sing in the row of girls hoping to be the chosen one, whether it was a solo in choir or a part in a musical. But once I started auditioning in high pressure situations, I realized that I had more of a problem than just shaky breath. I began auditioning for All-State my freshman year of high school, the youngest they allow. I didn’t know what to expect, and I had no expectations for myself other than to simply play my best. I must have done just that, because I was selected to participate in the 2011 Iowa All-State Band, an incredible accomplishment for a freshman, especially in such a competitive district as mine was. When I returned to audition my sophomore year, there was more at stake; I was determined to make it again, to not be a one-hit wonder. As I was getting ready for my audition, I could feel a lump forming in my throat, and my mouth was completely dry (both very unhelpful things for playing a brass instrument). No matter how much water I drank, neither problem went away. Standing outside of the classroom I would audition in, I looked down and saw that my hands were visibly shaking. I tried to take deep breaths to calm down before entering the room, but it did nothing. During my audition, my tone sounded off because I couldn’t breathe, and my embouchure was messed up from how much my hands were shaking. The most frustrating part was that I was not mentally as nervous as it physically appeared; I had been practicing this music for two and a half months. I was ready.
Since then, every audition, every solo (whether in a band or for a competition), and every other time my playing has been exposed, I have experienced some level of that reaction. Sometimes my hands don’t shake as much, and sometimes there isn’t a lump in my throat. I’ve come to accept the fact that this won’t go away with deep breathing or relaxing music. It’s hard to tell yourself, “This is something you fear, but you’re going to do it anyway”. And yes, performing in front of others is something I fear. I am enough of a perfectionist that the idea of messing up with people watching makes me feel sick. But I am choosing to push through and face my fear head on. It will be difficult and there will be many tears, but I’d like to think that at the end of it all, I will come out a more confident person, and a better musician.
