I’m scared of everything. Like, literally everything. The dark, heights, aquariums. Relationships.

Wait. What? Yeah. I’m a female terrified of relationships. It’s with good reason though.

Every relationship has hurt me to some degree. My terrible relationship with my father set me up for failure. My first boyfriend was the catalyst for my depression to form earlier. My first long term boyfriend left me for a drug addict. My most recent boyfriend was one of my best friends for four years and then dumped me for not sitting with him in class.

I put in too much and am given too little. I cry for absolutely no reason and, instead of being comforted, I’m made fun of. Everything about relationships has been so bad for me that I physically feel terror at the thought of having a functioning relationship that might not hurt me.

I noticed this when I hung out with a guy for the first time a few weeks ago. He talked about everything I loved. He let me be a dork. He treated me how I wanted to be treated and then asked if we could have a devotion. Who even does that now?! That was wonderful. Until I had to hold back tears so hard it hurt my head.

Why? He was great. He didn’t seem like he was going to hurt me. I felt physical terror and physical sickness over being near him. Texting was fine. Snapchat was fine. Hanging out was not. All because he is literally everything I have been praying for for two years. I have been praying for a man like him for two years and I can’t make myself not scared of him.

My heart hurts when I think about it. I smile when I think about him and immediately feel fear because what if he finds someone else?

What if he decides I’m not good enough?

What if he’s what I prayed for but I’m not what he prayed for?

I smile when I think of him and immediately think of the what ifs. The things that have happened to me to make me bitter.

I’ve never been enough so why would I be enough now? I’m never what people think I am. But he told me I was beautiful with wet hair and no makeup. I was beautiful with all of my bruises, scars and stretch marks to him. Why? I’ve never been enough.

He is a wonderful man and I’m terrified of him. It's a painful thing to have to go through.

I cried that night when I got home. I cried tears of fear and sadness. I don't want to be scared of new friends and new boyfriends.

I want it to stop.