My professors tell me again and again that I’m a smart girl, which usually means that they expect every essay, test, presentation and project I complete to be flawless. They assume that I will memorize and comprehend all the material, regardless of how challenging I find it to be. I can’t answer every multiple-choice question correctly. I can’t submit an essay without at least one grammar error or misspelled word. I can’t give a presentation without stuttering, but I must, because I don’t want to disappoint my professors.
My friends comfort me through every break up, offer the best advice and accompany me on all sorts of adventures. Sometimes they understand me more than I understand myself. It doesn’t matter if they’ve known me since I was eight years old or 18 years old; they only want to see me achieve great things and make the right choices. Therefore, whenever I start dating someone, I think about whether or not they will approve of him. When I buy a new outfit, I hope they will think it is cute. I’m not sure why I am always secretly seeking their approval, but it’s probably because I don’t want to disappoint my friends.
My parents are the ones who have protected and guided me through the worst and best times of my life. They’ve supported me not only financially, but with all my decisions or long-term goals as well. They love me unconditionally, even when I feel like I don’t deserve it. I strive to do my best in every aspect of life to make them proud of me. From trying to pay the bills by myself, to getting the best grades in class, to putting on a happy facade whenever I am overworked and overtired. I do all of this because I don’t want to disappoint my parents.
Society believes that I should mold myself to look a certain way. As a young woman, there is a standard of beauty I am supposed to meet. If I had a skinny waist, thick thighs and contoured foundation, I would be gorgeous. It’s too bad that my tummy rolls over the front of my jeans and I’m still learning how to hide my zits with cover up, let alone give myself a full face of makeup. Although I look nothing like Kim or Kylie Kardashian, I’m content with my body, but I don’t want to disappoint society.
Every day I look at myself in the mirror, right in the eye, and tell myself that I am trying my best and that’s good enough. There will be days when I cannot focus, days I need a break, days I want to quit. I can’t quit, though. I must keep going because I have dreams and aspirations that are just within my reach. My professors, friends and family have put so much faith in me. I need to prove to everyone that I am capable of all the things I set out to do.
I just don’t want to disappoint myself…
