I am a chronically over-loyal person. I've been this way since birth and, after 20 years, have figured out why. I have a deep desire to make sure no one feels alone because I hate being alone, myself.
As a child, I remember accompanying my mom to the grocery store, walking down the aisles planted firmly at her side. At the grocery store, my brother and I always wanted to peruse the toy section, checking for the newest potential additions to our ever-growing toy collection. Each time we went to the grocery store, my brother would ask first if he could go check out the toys and soon after he left I would ask. As soon as my mom said yes to me, without a doubt, I would ask her several times
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Are you sure you're going to be okay by yourself? Like, really sure you're okay? You're not gonna feel alone without me?
I was genuinely worried that my mother would fall apart in those grocery store aisles without me. My 8-year-old-self shuddered at the thought of finding my mother in a heap in the milk aisle, shaking with loneliness.
I was a dramatic child, I know.
The other day my best friend, Amanda and I were doing our usual weekend things, spending too much money at Target and watching Netflix until our eyes felt like raisins. After hanging out, we said our goodbyes and I drove home with a heavy feeling in my stomach. I couldn't stop thinking about our "goodbye" and why saying "goodbye" always felt so uncomfortable and awkward. I've never been good at "goodbye" and I figured it was time to get to the bottom of it.
Upon further investigation (aka a long phone call with my incredibly intuitive mother) I began to understand.
My father never said goodbye to me. When I would leave to go visit a friend or he would drop me off at school he would always say, "see you later" rather than "goodbye". I remember a conversation I had with my dad about his particular word choice. I can still hear his voice saying,
Goodbye means we'll never see each other again.
Something about that stuck in my 8-year-old brain and ever since then I've struggled with saying goodbye or no to things that are too much of a commitment or aren't that good for me.
One of the most life-changing lessons I've learned in the past few years is this.
It's okay to say no, sometimes.
These things aren't always major life decisions that will carry negative consequences. Sometimes these choices can be as minor as saying "no" to a spontaneous adventure with a friend when I haven't gotten any sleep the past few days. Other times it could be as major as walking away from a toxic friendship or relationship that you've had for years.
Here's the deal. This is your life and you are fully capable of making the right decisions for yourself. Another important thing to remember.
Know your boundaries.
All the people pleasers out there, please stand up. I know you want to help anyone and everyone you come into contact with, you wanna volunteer at every event. Fight this urge and learn to say no.
Your time is precious and so is your energy. Learn to rest well and enjoy not being busy. If you try to help everyone when you are emotionally and physically exhausted, you won't be able to give your best to whoever you're helping.
One last point.
Get comfortable with saying goodbye.
You're a loyal person, I get it. Maybe even too loyal. I'm right there with you. If I'm being honest, holding on to things that weren't meant to have a lasting impact on my life only hurt me in the long run. There is nothing noble about holding on to things and people that continue to hurt you. Sometimes goodbyes are absolutely necessary to move forward. Ya know what else? Goodbyes are a healthy part of life. Somethings last and some don't, stuff dies and other stuff grows. It's a part of life and it's beautiful. With every earth-shattering goodbye, you get to look forward to a sunrise-beautiful hello. Sometimes goodbyes are the only thing standing between you and where you want to be.
"Get comfortable with being uncomfortable"-Jillian Michaels. ("Biggest Loser" personal trainer.)
Whether talking about exercise or saying goodbye, Jillian was right.
