The hardest thing to say in life is goodbye... Especially when that someone was once so dear to you.

Dear Dylan,

We met my freshman year of high school. That was five years ago. You were a junior, but by far the most friendly junior I had ever met. We had fourth period study hall together. I sat in the seat right behind you, and would often look over your shoulder to watch you play those weird games on your laptop. We would talk casually, sometimes about school, sometimes about life. You were so easy to spill my mind to. You listened and understood me. For me, it was clear as day why I fell for you.

The weeks started getting longer, or they felt like it. We started talking more. Me, being the oblivious freshman I was, never knew you were flirting. You had let me borrow your jacket on regular occasions. You would playfully bump me in the hallway, or mess with my hair. I hadn't had any boy experience until then, so I thought you were just being nice or friendly. It took someone telling me to my face that you were flirting with me. When I found that out I was so overcome with joy. The guy I liked actually liked me back. In my mind, that in itself was a miracle.

I remember that you always had this kinda lopsided, quirky grin on your face. Your eyes were a little squinty, and when you smiled or were super duper happy, they would get even squinter, like you were staring into the sun. I always thought that was cute. I thought pretty much everything about you was cute.

I never expected it to take off like it did. You swept me off my feet and had me living a dream come true. I might have said it then without fully understanding what I said, but I can say today that I loved you. You were my everything for quite a while. For my freshman and sophomore year, we were together. Of course, we had our "breaks" and rough spots, but every couple does. Eventually, we broke up. You graduated and I went on to my junior year.

We kept in touch, though. Very little, but we still spoke to each other. I'm glad we did. You had been my everything, so no matter how many times i told someone (or myself) that I hated you I never truly could, because you had meant so much to me. Even today, years down the road after our big breakup, you still hold a special place in my heart. You always had.

I never expected what happened next.

I was walking back from class this afternoon, around 3:20, when I saw this gorgeous tree on campus. Me being me, I stopped to take a picture to post on SnapChat. I continued on my way and started to watch a couple friend's stories. I clicked on your best friend's story first, since he was on the top of my list.

It was a black screen, with a paragraph in the middle. I couldn't believe what I was reading. "For those of you who don't know, I lost a very close friend today by the name of Dylan. I'll keep whoever posted about the viewing/funeral." I almost dropped my Mac when I read those words.

I didn't want to believe it, and I still don't. I called my friend, because I had to know if it was true. It couldn't possibly be true! You couldn't be dead!

My mind was racing, and when he picked up the other end of the call I knew right away that what I was hoping for wasn't going to happen. His voice carried all the sadness and mourning I needed, he didn't have to say "yes, it's true"

But, it is. You're gone. The crash happened between 3:30 and 4 this morning. I wasn't even asleep when it happened. I was going to bed while you died, and I had no idea. I never thought I would actually loose you. But I lost you.

You had come back so often, sometimes begging me to give us another chance. I never did, and now part of me wishes I had. I don't really know how to think, or how to feel, or how to function right now. I miss you so much. So very much. As I type this out I cry onto my keyboard because I don't want to believe that you're gone, when I know you are. You meant so much to me, and i guess more than i ever knew or suspected. I'm lost. I don't know what to think or do, and sometimes i forget how to breathe. I don't want to accept it as real.

I didn't know back in high school how much I would miss you. I never grasped death as something real.. Sure people died, but no one I was close to. At three in the morning, you were headed to Indy, and I was finishing up an essay for class. Nothing out of the ordinary, but in the snap of my fingers, that split second of time, you were gone. There was no warning. No one ever expected it to happen.

I wish you could read this, but I know that you can't. I wish I could tell you somehow that you still mean a lot to me. I wish I could go home over Thanksgiving break and receive messages from you, trying to arrange a time to meet up. But, I never will. Not anymore. And it's an awful feeling I never knew I would get.

I miss you Dylan. You were my everything. It's the hardest think for me to believe you're gone.

Jani