A Satire On How To Ring In 2016 | The Odyssey Online
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Politics and Activism

A Satire On How To Ring In 2016

Every day is a new day.

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A Satire On How To Ring In 2016

As I watched the glimmering New Year’s Eve ball drop in Times Square, I suddenly wondered why the ball drops down, as the seconds count down to ring in the New Year. Why start the New Year lowering down the ball, when we could start the year by raising it? Did anyone ever realize that by doing so, we are starting the New Year on a low, when we could really be starting on a high?

Though the year changes from one second to the next, it seems as though more people, than not, begin to make all sorts of resolutions for the new year and personally, I think New Year's resolutions are like your one friend who gets too drunk at a party; they tell you how much they love you but, you can’t really take them too seriously. You laugh, play along, and reciprocate with a warm hug, knowing more likely than not, they’ll probably forget the next day.

Many of us make these resolutions knowing they’ll “fly out the door” just a few months, weeks, or even days later.

So now, since I’m the one “preaching” about what you should change about yourself, in the new year, and how to do it, you may wonder what my resolutions are for 2016. As I sit down and write this blog on how I am going to “better myself” in 2016, I cant help but research ideas on Google to spark my brain on how to change…. (I just cant think of any possible way of how I need to change because… isn’t it obvious, I’m just THAT perfect?! DUH!)

So here’s my list:

1. Love myself just as much as Kanye loves himself.

2. Not to be convinced at 4 a.m. that the super, squishy, soaker sponge that they are trying to sell me on that QVC infomercial, will solve all my life’s problems. (Nothing good happens at that hour of the day anyway)

3. Spend less time in the present and more time on my “devices”, (doing great at this one so far)

4. Start eating a whole lot healthier, but first, I MUST polish off the three dozen double stuffed Oreos I have sitting in the pantry. Some Crisco might be a good topping for them in case I don’t have anymore icing left.

5. Persuade myself that using more deodorant and washing fewer clothes is far easier of a task than spending countless hours washing my dirty laundry. (Embracing my own body’s soil is cheaper than buying soap anyway…!!)

6. To not ring the stewardess button on the airplane a dozen times when there is a hot male steward on board, just to ask again: “how many more hours till we land?”.

7. Trying to cry at a lower volume in the bathroom at work on Monday morning. The countdown till Friday just seems WAY too far from that point in my week. (The struggle IS REAL my friends)

8. Fatten up all my skinny friends around me, just to make myself look THAT much better.

9. Make sure that in 2016, I take the time to make actual resolutions for 2017, that I know I will stick to. I promise to be sure not to watch all of the resolutions I just made to just “whoosh” by.

And lastly…

In all seriousness… there are so many of us who make resolutions, but few of us who truly stick to them. For the few of us who do stick to our resolutions, we show tremendous perseverance. For those of us who don’t stick to ours, know that you don’t have to wait to ring in a new year to change something about yourself. Even you start off the New Year by binging out on your mom’s double chocolate fudge brownies and then polish off the carton of cookies and cream ice cream one night while binge watching Netflix, don’t worry, tomorrow is a new day. Stand up, and brush yourself off, 2016 looks like a good one. And, whatever your resolutions are, whether it is to love yourself just as much as Kanye loves himself, or to simply smile at the stranger you see in the elevator, be sure to stick to your goals, dedication is key!

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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