I'm bracing myself, New Years resolutions are coming. I have never quite seen the appeal of them, and the appeal has lessened, transforming in to animosity as I have gotten older.
This is probably because of my two old friends, depression and anxiety.
Even when they kick my ass, they inspire me daily to be the best me that I can be. They are the reason for my tattoos, as well as why I am the way I am today. Depression and anxiety are experiences that I would not wish on my worst enemy. To be perfectly blunt, they suck.
My two friends don't take holidays or sick days. They persist all year, all of the time. Holidays can be just as hard as any other day. This takes me back to why I do not, and probably will not ever like New Year's resolutions.
I'll start with "new year, new me". Why try to change yourself completely just because of the date on the calendar? Depression and anxiety lead to some debilitating self-hatred at times. With treatment, and some reminders from the people closest to me, I have found that, I am me, perfectly imperfect. There are ideal changes that I would love to make, like become supermodel as opposed to me shape, become incredibly gifted scientifically, and a bunch of other things that are out of my control. The small things, like my weight, my grades, surrounding myself with the best people, etc, I have taken into my control. If I am too stubborn to take them in control at the time, I have learned to embrace them, as part of the imperfections that make me me. New year, new me, should not be a thing. Just learn to love and embrace yourself and the imperfections that make you entirely you.
Why am I ranting about this?
I am a fiercely loyal, protective individual. With the things that I have gone through in my life, I have become this way because I do not want the people that I care about to feel the way that I have felt. My two dear friends have let me in the deepest, darkest depths of self-hatred. At one time, I thought that New Year's resolutions were the way to fix it. I was sorely mistaken. Only once I embraced the age-old adage of "one step at a time" did I realize that the only way to truly transform one's self is to take it step by step, continually. Even if it may be baby steps, you just have to keep going. As I tell the folks closest to me, you have to realize how great you are as a person.
Even though I seem to be on my game with this, depression and anxiety still rear their ugly heads, biting me in the butt, and sending me back into the deep dark recesses of my mind. As someone who has, and still goes back to some deep dark depths, I want others to embrace, and love themselves in ways that I often struggle to.
You don't need the new year to be a new you. You don't have to change that much. You often can't change that much about you. So don't.
Happy New Year, and please, don't ask me about my new year's resolutions.
