It seems the story swirling around Ryan Lochte only gets weirder as we find out more information. It was presumed that Lochte had departed the country after lying to police about being a victim of an armed robbery. In a shocking turn of events, Rio police apprehended the 32-year-old swimmer about 2 miles offshore in the Atlantic Ocean. The police report said that they found Lochte begrudgingly backstroking towards Africa, all the while muttering that this is what happens when you bleach your hair. Details of the police report show that Lochte had attempted to, in his words, "crank it to America, jeahah," and that he "bet the police would never think to look in the Atlantic Ocean approximately 2 miles offshore."

Lochte's teammates were apprehended on a flight out of Rio a short while ago, and when questioned about the abandonment of his mates, Lochte responded with, "Jahaheha, dude, like it's not even like that. Me and Phelps are like really close, jehuaha." When informed that Phelps was not pertinent to the question at hand, Lochte just smiled and tustled the interviewer's hair.

Lochte is being held in a Rio jail, where it is reported that survival of American inmates with bleached hair is around 0%. This could spell trouble for America's best second-best swimmer