Ah, dating well. A skill I simply do not possess. I am, however, quite experienced at turning bad dates into disasters, and while that may not be very valued or appreciated in today’s society, there are some situations in which making a date go up in flames (either literally or figuratively) is an absolute necessity.

Perhaps your date shows up wearing camouflage khakis and a turtleneck sweater.

Perhaps he is wearing a wedding ring.

Perhaps he is allergic to cats and you have five.

Whatever the reason, you are certain this date will not have a sequel, and you need to figure out a way to pass the time.

So, stop twiddling your fingers and start having fun! Here are some tried and true techniques that will let him know he’s not Mr. Right.

It seems to me that the couples that are the most madly in love generally sit on the same side of the booth, so, logically, I assumed that if I did the same thing with the guy I was on the date with, he would be more likely to fall in madly love with me.

Surprisingly, this simply does not work. After ten tests and zero successes, this technique has most certainly earned its spot on the list.

2. Craft a New Identity

You gave up on your dream of becoming a famous actress right after high school? Yeah. Me too. But don’t worry! Those theater classes were not for naught! This is your chance to pull out the accents you learned in Improv.

Here you have a man who knows absolutely nothing about your High School Musical collection, your crazy relatives, and your obsession with Fyodor Dostoyevsky. You have a fresh start. You can be ANYONE.

You want to be a French fashion designer? You can be!

You want to be an eccentric scientist who is seeing natural light for the first time in three years? Yep. That’s you.

You can be an aspiring dictator, a vibrant youth, hell, you can even be Garfield (if that’s what you’re feeling after a plate or two of lasagna).

Just follow your heart, and be fierce. Be fire. Be anyone but you.

3. Unleash Your Creativity

Art is always a fun way to pass the time, but sadly, all of the men I’ve dated have had trouble seeing the numerous opportunities for creative expression in everyday life.

For example, say you are out at dinner.

Dinner? How can I make art at dinner? You may ask.

Easy, I say.

For instance, say you have a glass of wine.

A simple wine glass has so much potential for art and music! You can tap on it with your fork and create a melodious tune. Or, you can take a spoon and a clean napkin, and drizzle wine into the shape of something lovely and romantic like a rose or a wedding ring. If you do a good enough job you won’t even have to remove the napkin from the collar of your shirt when you leave the restaurant.

(Note: there is a slight chance that wine art may cause your date to see you as even more charming than you already are (especially if you followed Step 2 and are pretending to be someone elegant and exotic like a Bohemian Duchess or Artemis, the Greek Goddess of War), but personally I haven’t had a single successful date using this technique, so I don’t think you have too much to worry about.

4. Pour Your Heart Out

When I was young and naïve, I thought telling my dates of the many, many times I’d been rejected would make them pity for me which, in turn, would get them to stick with me long enough to fall madly in love with me.

For example, I once went on a date with an exceptionally attractive waiter named Stanley, and while we were strolling around a nearby park, I recounted an instance when I performed an original song at the school talent show for a crush and the boy ran out of the room in embarrassment.

I told the handsome waiter that really, all my romantic endeavors had been unsuccessful which is why I was innocent, pure, and ready to throw myself in 100% with anyone who was willing to take me in.

Stanley was so sympathetic! He listened to me go on for hours, and I was convinced that this strategy was going to be the one to land me THE ONE. But alas, Stanley didn’t reply to a single one of the twenty-four texts I sent him in the following two months.

So yes, as much as people like to say that honesty is appreciated, it really isn’t in the dating world, so please, pour your heart out.

5. A Dramatic Marriage Proposal

This one is my absolute favorite. You really have to be ballsy to pull this one off. When I put this into practice, I generally start by standing up and clinking my wine glass with my fork a few dozen times until I have the attention of everyone in the restaurant. Sometimes, I’ll tell the waiter of my plan beforehand and I’ll have them bring out a cake or something since I hardly ever come with an actual ring (except for the first time I tried out this technique, but that was different because I was actually proposing), but usually I just go for it. This is fun because it’s a win either way. About half the time, the person will say yes at first and then call off the wedding once you two leave the restaurant, but sometimes the person will actually reject you in front of the everyone, and that’s when the real fun comes in.

Not only am I a master at turning dates into disasters, I am also an expert when it comes to handling rejection.

As soon as I hear the word “no” (especially after a marriage proposal), I drop onto the floor and start sobbing (if I’m in a public place, I’ll get up sporadically to shake a fist at the sky).

If you do this one well enough, your date will usually end up paying for dinner.

He won’t call you after.

But you’ll get some high-quality lasagna out of that low-quality humiliation.

I know. After reading through all these tips you may be saying to yourself, “Ruin a bad date? These tips sound like they would SAVE it!” I know, I used to think that way too, but trust me, all of these techniques have been tested many, many, many, many times by yours truly, and I can assure you, they simply do not attract men.