My Professor Tore Me Down; But I Built Myself Back Up | The Odyssey Online
Start writing a post
Student Life

I Allowed My Professor To Tear Me Down, But I Was The One Who Built Myself Back Up

I had to look at my fears straight in the eye and ultimately conquer them.

109
I Allowed My Professor To Tear Me Down, But I  Was The One Who Built Myself Back Up
https://images.pexels.com/photos/247195/pexels-photo-247195.jpeg?auto=compress&cs=tinysrgb&dpr=2&h=750&w=1260

When a professor criticizes you, it feels like a car accident. It's sudden, unpredictable and you freeze, unable to think of any logical defense against your emotions, your ego, and your pride. In the drawn-out nanosecond, you find your reaction dragging, you contemplate if you should start crying or stay stoic. I chose the latter.

On one dreary November afternoon, I found myself playing a passive-aggressive game of chicken in one of my professor's office, as she questioned my motives and process of applying to graduate school. She shrugged and rolled her eyes, blew raspberries and drew a smile that seemed to say "Oh, you poor, pathetic thing." She was on a roll, question after question that verbally slapped my wrists over and over again. Up until that point in time, I never experienced an abusive professor and was unprepared on how to deal with it. What was supposed to be a casual, friendly chat turned into an interrogative confrontation and I was left to pick up the pieces.

I exited the professor's office with my head down, as my eyes were quickly brimming with tears. In the privacy of the ladies' restroom, I covered my sobbing face, shuddering at the repeating sound of her words and behavior. I kept questioning what have I done to deserve this brutal verbal beating. My chest felt tight and my head was spinning, as I realized I was having an anxiety attack. I couldn't go home because I had to attend my evening classes. I looked at myself in the mirror taking deep breaths, waiting for the anxiety to momentarily cease.

I found a quiet spot behind a parking garage on campus, sat on the cold pavement and watched the ants promenade. "I feel worthless like my life is going nowhere." I wiped a tear from my phone to continue texting my best friend. I called my father for mental clarity and he reminded me to observe the situation in the bigger picture. Life will bring you difficult people, individuals who will be intoxicated by domestic power and popular reverence. They abuse this source of admiration and take it out on unknowing prey, with a pent-up ego that doesn't seem to care about the possible damage that can affect a young and naïve person. It was up to me to decide if I was going to let this professor's influence hurt me and my future decisions. And for the first couple of days, I did.

It's an idiosyncratic experience when a professor confronts you, due to the academic surrounding of university life. When you have a problem with a friend or a family member, you can distract yourself with schoolwork or extracurricular activity. But everything I did following the critique was a constant reminder of what had happened and I was quickly losing focus. I repeatedly had flashbacks and tried to hold back tears every instant it occurred: completing assignments, taking exams, attending class and even walking around on campus. My passions, my hobbies, and my friends could not distract me from it. All I wanted to do was to lay down on my bed and cry into my pillow with the blinds drawn, ignoring everything that was happening in my life- academic and social, good and bad. Trying to move on felt like an extraordinary burden; a heavyweight that was impossible to lift and set me free.

The deepest infliction can expose the most vulnerable insecurities in a person. For me, they are the feelings of inadequacy, rejection, failure and negative judgment. After the confrontation with the professor, I had to look at several of my fears straight in the eye and ultimately conquer them. I forgot that I am still growing as a person, someone who will make mistakes and run into problematic circumstances. Journaling and meditation reminded me that I am stronger than my weaknesses and that I have the power of free-will and determination. I realized that it is important to admit to yourself that it is okay to not be okay. And best of all, talking to those who know you best will encourage you to keep going, even though you've given up your will to fight.

I allowed this professor to attack me and my self-worth. I allowed her to affect my life and my spirit. I lived in a somber bubble that was filled with tears, verbal put-downs and questions about my person. Who knows what I could have accomplished in the days that I've wasted; the days that I gave to this professor's vocal beating. However, it was I who allowed myself to rise above and overcome it. I worked to better myself, learned how to develop self-love, and asked for help when I felt lost. I know my journey isn't over yet but I am relieved that I've started.

Even in your darkest hour, where you feel like you will never be happy again or enjoy life as it used to be, all you have is yourself. The rollercoaster of pain and self-discovery is a long one, but ultimately rewarding. And in the end, you will become stronger from suffering, vivaciously prepared with rock-hard defense, ready for the next battle.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Student Life

5 Things To Do That Are Better Than Writing A Paper

Don't waste your time trying to write that paper when there are so many more interesting things you could be doing.

3307
computer keyboard
Unsplash

Writing a paper is never fun and is rarely rewarding. The writer's block, the page requirement, be specific, but don’t summarize, make sure you fixed any grammatical errors, did you even use spellcheck? and analyze, analyze, analyze.

Papers can be a major pain. They take up so much time and effort that by the end of the process you hate yourself and you hate the professor for making life so difficult. Questions of your existence start roaming in your mind. Am I even cut out for college if I can’t write a single paper? Am I even capable of taking care of myself if I lack the energy to open my laptop and start typing?

Keep Reading...Show less
Relationships

10 Reasons Why Sisters Are The Best

Who could be a better friend than your own sister?

2066
sisters
Taylor Hooper

I can barely remember back when I was the only child. Most would say it’s because it is extremely difficult to remember things as a toddler but I would say it's because I was bored until my sister came along. My mother always says how important the "sister bond" is and with every year that passes I realize how right she is. Instead of writing a novel about all of the wonderful things there are about having a sister I decided to list a few of them instead.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

How To Adult

You're gonna make it after all.

3461
how to adult
Twitter

It is the time of our lives that we are beginning to enter the adult world and most of us, if not all of us, have no idea what we are doing. It's like starting a video game, but skipping the tutorial. We're all just running around aimlessly hoping we accidentally do something right that moves us along the right path. Now that graduation has just happened, or is right around the corner for some of us, it's time to start thinking about how we are going to take care of ourselves once we are on our own.

Keep Reading...Show less
Lifestyle

7 Signs You're A Starbucks Addict

I'll be the first one to admit I'm addicted to Starbucks.

1899
drinking coffee
Tumblr

If you’re anything like me, you love a good cup of coffee. My coffee always comes from Starbucks; I refuse to drink it from anywhere else. Over the years, it’s become one of my biggest addictions. So, if you are aware that you’re a Starbucks addict as well, or maybe you need to check to see if you’re an addict, here are seven ways to tell.

Keep Reading...Show less
people  in library
Photo by redcharlie on Unsplash

College involves a whirlwind of emotions, whether it’s from the stress of an assignment (or twenty), or from fighting with your roommate. It can be overwhelming at times and it’s important to take a step a back and calmly think things over. Maybe gain some perspective. The following aren’t foolproof tips and may not apply to you, but I was able to find success with them (hope you do too!)

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments