Some one asked me the other day how I was doing with everything that has been going on in my life. I paused for a moment, trying to put into words how I felt, and the best way I could put it was, "I am a Rubik's Cube of unexpressed emotion". It was an odd way to phrase it, but after thinking on it for a while, I realized that it was really the most honest answer I could give!

Picture a Rubik's Cube. Not a brand new one, just out of the box and all perfectly aligned, but one that has been twisted around by someone time and time again over years in frustrated angst, trying desperately to solve the puzzle, but never succeeding. The cube is battered, worn, a few stickers are missing, a chip has been taken out of one of the corners, it no longer sits perfectly straight but tilts a little to one side, and the colors are no longer their vibrant, original tones, but have faded with the years of abuse. That it what my life looks like.

The last time I can remember any of the colors matching up, I was seven. I had just gotten my first harp. Easily one of the happiest days of my life, and definitely one of the few times when a row of color on my Cube was in perfect alignment. There are moments like that that are easy to remember, moments when life just seemed to be on your side for once! And then it all comes crashing down again, and you are left battling through yet another jumbled up mess. Thanks, life!

But really, if you think about it, what better analogy is there to compare life and emotions to than a Rubik's Cube? I know that I am not the first person to make this connection, it was made years ago when the Cube first came out. But it is an analogy that I have always seemed to connect with in some way or another, but mostly when talking about emotions and/or feelings. I am not an emotional person for the most part. I do not like to express emotions, and I do not like to let others know what I am feeling. Because of this, everything becomes mixed up inside, and I become a walking Rubik's Cube that no one has been able to solve.

I keep to myself when I feel emotions trying to escape. I don't want people to know that I am a total mess and that my colors are so far mixed or missing that I am barely a shell of a human being. This is how I go through life: a battered Cube, worn down and faded, not allowing anyone to solve me because I can't figure out how to solve myself. Granted, this is not the healthiest way to go through life, and I know that. It is one of the many colors that I am trying to re-align. But it is the honest truth. I am a Rubik's Cube of emotions, unexpressed and unsolved.