I've always been insecure about biking. Although I've owned one since I was five, I never had the time to properly learn how to use one. In fact, whenever I'm asked about biking, insecurity overtakes any current emotion and dejection sets in. I could use a Soul Cycle machine and pedal with all my heart, as it was stationary. I got the motion burned into my cerebellum. Despite that, I never understood just how to balance myself and how to build enough momentum such that I don't need to constantly pedal to remain upright.
During my first week of classes, I tried using Stony Brook's bike service to temporarily use a bike and try learning by myself. Every attempt was a disaster waiting to happen, as I kept leaning into each turn my bike made, compounding it until I inevitably veered to the curb and knocked myself off the bike. Many miraculous interventions on the part of God helped me avoid injury to myself, university property, and others. I managed to finally get myself at the right speed to avoid falling to the side, but I had no control aside from the brakes.
At one point, my irritation erupted, and I kept screaming expletives in the SAC loop because I couldn't get myself to ride properly, even though it was the first time I've tried in 14 years. I unleashed the bottled-up insecurities that ate at me from within, and with that came out feelings of frustration, hopelessness, and inferiority. Even my roommates were surprised at how angry I became with myself; it was very uncharacteristic of me. I felt unworthy of riding a bike or even learning.
A week later, a fellow Odyssey creator, Kelly Wang, offered to teach me just how to ride after I poured out my frustration. Her profound positivity and encouragement enabled me to come out of the shadow of self-doubt and learn the basics of riding. I still needed improvement and practice, but Kelly is the reason why my determination resurfaced and my attitude took a 180-degree turn.
My control managed to improve and I began to let my body do the work for me and avoid overthinking. My thought processes at the moment became, "How to get from point A to point B?" My previously tight grip on the handlebars loosened, my breathing relaxed, and my cortisol levels plummeted until I was living in the moment, feeling the rush of the wind on my face, and experiencing complete tranquility. I haven't been that blissful in a very long time — the crushing weight on my self-esteem was finally atomized. I finally did it.
I may have had a taste of independence during childhood, more so in my current time at Stony Brook, but riding a bike for the first time gave me the kind of true liberation I haven't had in a decade. I might not have the best skill and technique, but I do have a heart beating with passion and a drive to hone my skills. I realize now that it's never too late to learn anything, and that with the right people and passion, anything is possible.
