Oz Guinness writes in his book The Call:

“Envy enters when, seeing someone else’s happiness or success, we feel ourselves called into question. Then, out of the hurt of our wounded self-esteem, we seek to bring the other person down to our level by word or deed. They belittle us by their success, we feel; we should bring them down to their deserved level, envy helps us feel. Full-blown envy, in short, is dejection plus disparagement plus destruction.” (Guinness 124).

Today I realized that I am a very envious person. I am not envious in the assumed traditional sense of being so good at something that I am proud and therefore being envious of anyone better. But my envy stems from feeling like I have so much potential but not being recognized for it, then looking around comparing myself and constantly letting myself feel defeated. But life is not a competition. I am blessed and gifted with what the Lord has given me to serve him, yet I seem to constantly forget these two truths.

C.S. Lewis writes about pride in his book Mere Christianity:

“Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. We say that people are proud of being rich, or clever, or good-looking, but they are not. They are proud of being richer, or cleverer, or better-looking than others. If everyone else became equally rich, or clever, or good-looking there would be nothing to be proud about. It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.”

My pride is nontraditional, it is selfish but degrading. It is insecurity. I constantly over-think how people receive and perceive me. I compare myself to my siblings, my family life to people who actually have relationships with their parents, my athleticism to people who get to do all the time the same stuff I love and feel I’m good at, but are way better than me. I fear failure, rejection, and to be overlooked. I crave recognition, attention, and to be wanted. I give so much, but sometimes my pride takes over and it becomes a way to get attention. I give so that I may be loved, valued, and thought of to be a great person. Yet, I feel overlooked all the same.

Oz Guinness quotes another very wise man, who wrote the book The Seven Deadly Sins Today:

“Journalist Henry Fairlie suggests that the motto for our times might be ‘The Revenge of Failure.’ If we cannot paint well, we destroy the canons of painting and pass ourselves as painters. If we cannot or will not read, we dismiss linear thinking as irrelevant and dispense with reading. In area after area, if we are not inclined to submit to the rigors of the discipline, we destroy the standards and pass ourselves off as acceptable—And the reason?—‘To pit unequal’s against unequal’s as if they were equals is to make a breeding ground for envy….What we are unable to achieve, we will bring low.’” (Guinness 123).

I get envious of the people who are recognized. I get jealous of what they have: beauty, athleticism, humor, personality, good family, rich parents, and popularity. I start giving all the credit to those things to make a person valuable. I despise and reject myself for not having those. When in reality, I am missing the opportunities God has given me to thrive and serve him. He shapes me by my circumstances, not to be anyone else and not to be recognized by anyone but him.

Timothy Perrine writes in his article “Envy and Self-worth: Amending Aquinas’ Definition of Envy”:

"I argue that what is common is a “perception of inferiority”—when a person perceives his her own self-worth to be inferior to another and thereby feels his own self-worth diminish."

The he aligns the idea of envy when the conditions of self-inferiority are met. Let’s align Thomas Aquinas’ definition of envy given in his Summa Theologiae:

“Envy is sorrow for another's good”

People may not recognize all that I am good at or the way I serve them, but why should that matter? God did not make me to be admired and recognized by them, but to be loved unconditionally by Him. I may not demand control, attention, and perfection to where I constantly have people admiring me. But I have learned to give and love and serve, and that brings joy because I can serve the Heavenly Father. By surrounding me with people who I serve, rather than having them there to serve me, God is working in me to be okay with no recognition.

Dorothy Sayers examines envy’s goal and says:

“It begins by asking, plausibly, ‘Why should I not enjoy what others enjoy?’ and it ends by demanding, ‘Why should others enjoy what I may not?’”

I may not be rich. I may not have a car. I may not have an income that can serve all my needs and wishes; but God has grown me to be responsible and mature. He provides for me and blesses me more abundantly that I realize.

I may not have the perfect body and I may not be popular or adored for talents, kindness, personality, or beauty. But I am loved by the Lord, by my friends, and by the people God has allowed to see me for more than these things. I am loved by the people who can see that I am a person who is treasured by the Lord. I am more than these temporary things of the world that don’t define or give life, value, or worth to me. I am claimed by the Lord God, through Christ, and able to walk confidently because the only one who defines my worth is my Creator.

Oz Guinness closes his chapter on envy by saying:

“When Jesus calls, he calls us one by one. Comparisons are idle, speculations about others a waste of time, and envy as silly as it is evil. We are each called individually, accountable to God alone, to please him alone, and eventually to be approved by him alone.” (Guinness 126-127).

I pray that one day I will completely I step away from the struggle of craving validation from people. I desire to be completely secure in the Lord. I want for my service to be completely genuine: serving for nothing in return except to bring praise, glory, and honor to the Lord my God.

Philippians 3: 3-4,7-9.

For we are the circumcision,who worship by the Spirit of Godand glory in Christ Jesus and put no confidence in the flesh—though I myself have reason for confidence in the flesh also. If anyone else thinks he has reason for confidence in the flesh, I have more:

But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ.Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith.

Oz Guinness. "What Is That to You?" The Call: Finding and Fulfilling the Central Purpose of Your Life (Nashville: W Publishing Group, 2003) 119-127.