So many people are waiting for the day they will finally accomplish the goal of finding happiness. There’s hope that one day, down the road, they’ll wake up and be satisfied with where they are in life and feel like all the hard work was worth it. Someday. Not today, but someday.

This thought process was the bane of my existence for most of my life. I often found myself frustrated that the day had not come yet and cursed the universe for allowing me to remain so far from my ideal world. The world where money simply does grow on trees and I’m not having to try to figure out how to get everything paid. The world where my kids actually do as they are asked and parenting is a breeze. A world where people treat me as I feel I deserve and I am respected as a force to be reckoned with. This place where everything was fair and worked how I wanted it to.

Throughout my life, I often envied what others around me had. It was simple to complain how those people didn’t deserve all those things and here I am, working to the bone and barely getting by. Condemning those who had more than I did and belittling those who were more successful than me. I found myself sitting around waiting for the tide to change and my ship to finally come in. You'd be amazed at how much time I spent trolling Facebook, mentally cataloging every negative thing I could think of with each new post or link. Everyone was fair game and I found myself comparing my life to what others filtered and published.

All the energy I spent only resulted in one thing: misery. I viewed everything on a scale and no matter what blessings were introduced into my life, it wasn’t enough to tip the scales and distract myself from comparing to what others had. No energy was focused on being thankful for the blessings in my life, I just spent time complaining that what I had wasn’t good enough. I’d tell anyone who listened just how much I’d given up or sacrificed. No one was immune, my sad story should be heard throughout the land.

There is excitement when your world resembles a Jerry Springer set. When the stories of your life make people balk and their eyes widen in amazement. I easily justified any outrageous action and dared anyone to cross my path. I had a “southern” temper and wasn’t afraid to use it. If I had a point to prove, there was no limit as to how far I’d take it. People learned quickly not to see if I was bluffing, as no boundary was too far. No action too extreme. I lived in a world where I had to be the loudest, funniest, most outrageous one in the group.

Outrageous becomes a style. A style that is constantly trying to outdo itself. Playing games with people’s feelings and using them to entertain oneself becomes a hobby. Manipulating situations to get the outcome the way I wanted it. There are so many people in my past that I took advantage of or hurt to simply entertain myself. Blaming others and lashing out is a handy way to keep from thinking about yourself and your actions. When the walls start to close in and force you to face what you’ve done, it’s time to pull out the big guns. Do something completely insane so that the attention is focused somewhere else.

Those closest to me likely hurt the worst. Even when I proclaimed to love someone, I’d focus my attention on satisfying every whim I had, no matter the cost. Husbands who loved me and tried so hard to forgive were victims to my actions. I learned that cheating on people is easy when you think of no one but yourself and only focus on your needs. You tend to ignore the pain you cause and justifying it to those who dare judge. I used my gifts to twist and hurt those who loved me the most. Looking back, this is one of the hardest pills to swallow. Remembering all the lies and deceit I used to manipulate those around me to give me what I want - even if it was just to leave me alone and allow me to act on any impulse I might have had. There was nothing off-limits and I pushed every boundary. Simply to satisfy myself. Not once when I was doing what I wanted did it occur to me to think of anyone but myself.

One of the hardest days is when you realize you’re just creating drama to entertain yourself. The lives you are comparing yours to are filtered and unnatural. Bad things happen to everyone, but so do blessings. Realizing that you’ve been acting like a child your whole life is humiliating. Looking at your actions from an outside perspective heap shame and embarrassment without any sign of relief. You realize some people only chose to be around you because you help them feel like they are successful in life. Those that loved you, truly loved you, were tossed aside like trash. No conscious thought was given to how badly I may be hurting others. Nope, this is all about me.

Yup. That was me. Taking every blessing I’d ever been given for granted and using people until they were of no use to me anymore. The hard part is knowing there’s nothing I’ll ever be able to do to make up for it. I can apologize until I’m blue in the face, but the fact remains that I made the choices. I chose to intentionally hurt people simply for my own sick satisfaction.

I am glad I’m not her anymore and those that know me now couldn’t imagine describing me in this way. If you review my life, you’ll see that it didn’t stay that way. I finally got up the nerve to be honest with myself about who I am and what I was doing. I’m in the process of forgiving myself for not taking responsibility earlier in life, but I’ll do what I can when I can. One of the hardest things to do, when you’ve lived this way for so long, is to look yourself in the mirror and own what you’ve done.

People don’t change in a day and some may never have the desire or capacity to change. Those of us that do struggle to find grace and forgiveness from ourselves. Shame creeps in from time to time and humility teaches a valuable lesson. I can’t go back, but I refuse to cover-up who I was. I wouldn’t be who I am today without going through the process. I share this hoping someone can find comfort, understanding, and hope. It is possible to face the world knowing you are supremely blessed and the things that matter--no one can take away. Memories, people, and feelings will forever be etched on your heart. I figure rewinding and watching again will prevent me from going back down that path; I must remember to never hit pause and stare at it too long. What’s done is done. Can’t fix it. Can’t go back. But, I can remember the lesson.