When I entered Ithaca College as a freshman almost four years ago, I had no expectations. I didn’t make any plans, or gone into it with friends, or made any goals to accomplish. Retrospectively, I think that was the best choice for me. I was a freshman with a learning curve. I had to learn from the many mistakes I made. I suffered through uncountable life lessons. I also made the best memories. I remember that first floor meeting like it was yesterday. My roommate had chosen to live on the same floor as the friends she had made at orientation, so she was sitting with them. I didn’t really know her at first, but we became really good friends that year. I had felt nervous, but also excited to be in that room. I didn’t really know whether I could make friends with these girls quickly. But I did. And I’m still friendly with the girls I met on the 11th floor of East Tower. Even though there were some girls on the floor that didn’t hang out with me every day, I studied abroad in London with three of them. I still say hi to some of the girls when I see them on campus. I had no idea how much my first year here would affect the rest of my college experience.

I remember peeking into my friends’ rooms to talk, or nap with them during the day. Throughout the rest of my college experience, every time we would watch movies, I would interject with my gasps, sighs or trivia tidbits. I remember dinners, getting ready to go out, birthdays, and the christmas parties. A tradition we carried throughout the four years I have been here. I became the friend who would play with your hair, help with style advice, listen with only a little judgment. Sorry friends, I’m judge-y. But I promise my judgment is well-intentioned.

I still think it’s a sign that I lived in room 1111. I even taped the number 11 up in my circle apartments my junior fall semester and senior year. I felt lucky. I had no idea what was in store for me, and I am extremely grateful that I had these group of girls with me all throughout my college years. They were there to protect me from unwanted attention at parties, or to encourage me when I was too afraid to make the first move. They were also there for me whenever I was sad, to be there for laughs, and driving me places. When my dad had died, they got together and sent me flowers to my home. They also let me know that they were there for me when I needed to talk.

When I look back on my four years of college, making these female friendships have to be my greatest accomplishment. Because these friends were also the jumping off point to my other friendships. I made friends through them. I also gained confidence from the ability to make lifelong friends so quickly, that I was able to be friendly quickly towards the other friends/acquaintances I made. And I’m grateful for that too. I had dinner with my friend I made studying abroad in London a few days ago, and the conversations we have are always so uplifting and empowering. I had always looked up to my mom and the friendships she had made throughout her life. She lives in a different country than most of her friends now, but she still stays in touch with them, and sees them every time she goes back to Japan. Her friends from middle school, high school and college and the friends she has now, they’re all extremely important to her and I feel like I learned from that example. The people I choose to be in my life are important because I hope that these people are going to be here for me, no matter what. And it goes the other way around as well. I hope to be there for them no matter what.

So, here is my reverse bucket list. The minors: I learned how to write a resume and a cover letter. I took classes in subjects I didn’t know I was interested in. I learned how to enjoy a drink while sipping, and not downing. The majors: I declared a major. I studied abroad in London! I made lifelong friends! And although there were hardships and mistakes in between, I do not regret any decision I made, however stupid. Because everything that has happened has led to me now. And I like where I’m at.

And now, there are six weeks left. Well, seven if I include senior week, the last hurrah before our commencement. What is there left to do? That is the question. I have been struggling to go out or hang out with my friends ever since my dad had died. I think it’s because I see the people I love next to me, and I can’t help but compare myself to them. They are choosing their jobs, their summer plans, but I’m not ready. They complain about problems with their dads, or troll their dads, when I don’t have one anymore. They drink and celebrate their 22nd birthdays, and I just can’t even bring myself to feel that uncontrollable happiness anymore. This isn’t to blame them in any way, or judge you, my friends, for being happy. Right now, I’m almost afraid to be happy, to be normal again, because I’m feeling a little superstitious. I don’t want the universe to hit me or cut me off again as soon as I start feeling that way. So, my big goal: enjoy the now. I don’t want to be afraid because of what has happened to me and my family. I want to be present. I want to enjoy the last six weeks I have and enjoy my last moments as a 21-year-old, as my 22nd birthday looms ahead.

I skipped an event that I was invited to last Friday, and although I wasn’t ready then, I want to be ready before I graduate. I’m going to leap out of this safety bubble, because I’m not going to ever have a chance to go out with these people again, or go out and have my friends as a fallback. I sense my graduation goggles are on, so I don’t want to push myself. I will have to go out slowly but surely.

Friends: I just want to take the time to thank you for being there for me throughout the years. I am grateful for my high school friends for being there for me throughout growing up as women. I am grateful for the people now that I am close to, for being there for me no matter what. If you feel like I haven't been there for you, so be it. Because I am taking the time to become my best self, and I don't think I can apologize for that. But I hope to see your lovely faces more. If anything, you guys are the reason why I am able to be here now.

I also want to make sure that I don’t feel like I am doing something wrong because I am not acting or feeling like everyone else. I know that I need to take care of myself and that has become my number one priority, no questions asked. I want to enjoy my life, but on my own terms. But I also miss my friends. I need to learn how to balance. A character in a TV episode I recently watched said: “Real life is thoughtless and mean but that doesn’t cancel out the love.” Well said. I’m going to try not to cancel out the love.