Like the majority of adults in America right now, my new years resolution is to eat better, and to feel better. Even though those goals may be a masking term for the ultimate resolution (which is to lose weight) I’ve learned over the years that setting “weight” as a goal is not realistic for me. It’s not helpful in keeping my resolutions if my only goal is to “lose weight;” the reason being that “weight,” in itself, is not “bad,” nor is it the problem. For two years now, I have accepted and identified myself as an Over Eater. I tend to binge on food and suffer from excessive weight gain (and sometimes loss). I will never be able to participate in shows like, The Biggest Loser, because I would only gain whatever weight I did lose, back in three fold. This is how my brain works, and it’s going to take every ounce of being that I have to turn these habits around. No demon will be left un-touched. For me, learning to eat better and in portion is the only option I have. I can’t just lose weight; I need to reinvent an entirely new lifestyle. I DO NOT HAVE THE LUXURY OF A REVENGE BODY.

On top of creating a new lifestyle, there are habits that need to be broken and habits that need to be learned. I have spent the last six months writing a rough draft of a book about my body and my own struggles with: Overeating, accepting myself and my body, identifying my enablers (persons or objects), and in general, just spending an excessive amount of time in my own head and body to workout my inner demons. There are many things I’ve learned about myself from living in this headspace for so long, some things I wish I could have left behind me, and many things that needed to be said/told. Writing about my body and my own struggles is very different than the prose writing I do or even the poetry that comes out of this same headspace. Put very simply; It is raw, and it hurts.

My family has tolerated my weight gain for the past three years, up until now. I can see it on their faces that they are tired of masking their support, I can see that they disapprove of my 353 pound mass of flesh. With every weight loss commercial, I feel the shame and humiliation in the skin around my belly button, or hanging off the underside of my arms. It’s a mindset, they say.

This Thursday (1/12/17) on E! is the premiere of Khloe Kardashian's new TV drama, “Revenge Bod.” From previews (see video above for reference), I gather that the show encourages participants to identify persons who have aided (at some point) in the physical abuse to their bodies (I.e. Excessive weight gain.) and use that anger and resentment as a driving force to overextend their bodies to lose weight faster. This is the most unappealing, offensive, scary, excessive, overrated, knock-off of reality television I have ever seen. It is taking popular culture and exploiting it for views, for ratings; and people sit there and say, “at least the contestants are getting off their ass and losing the weight.” No. I will NOT accept this.

In the promotional video above, Khloe says, “Let’s make our haters our biggest motivators.”

This show simply fosters vanity, not good health. I understand and empathize with the wanting to “stick it to those who have wronged you,” however, if your goal is true weight loss, you need to want it for yourself in order to keep the weight off. There is no such thing as a "Revenge Body." It is simply... YOUR body. You have made a series of choices that has lead you to this state of extra. Although I have experienced bullying and harassment in relation to my own body, using others as a means of motivation to change your health, is not only unrealistic, but it’s destructive and extremely vain.

Don’t get me wrong; I know there is a difference between carrying a few extra pounds, and being morbidly obese… I have seen and suffered both sides of this spectrum. But this revengeful mindset should have died in the early 2000’s, along with gauchos and crocs. We live in a time where hate is alive and well within all of us... where social media has become the new coffee shop, and where people are constantly pressured into an unrealistic standard of beauty and health.

I’ve seen it discussed on, The Doctors, along with experiencing it in my own life, that when overweight people are told and encouraged to lose weight it actually has a negative impact on their ability to do so. I feel this all the time, when a family member encourages me to lose weight by passing over a healthy living cookbook, or tells me that they care about me, and want to see me live a long time… those are all motivating factors that motivate me to eat more. I am more likely to binge when confronted about my weight. It’s not that I am ungrateful for those who try to encourage me and help me on this path, it’s a habit, it’s a cycle that needs breaking by me, alone. I don’t see how hating someone enough to torture myself to lose weight would be beneficial to my compulsiveness with food.

I hope, for the contestant’s sake on this show, that Khloe has equipped specialists to work with these people one-on-one during off-camera time to set food goals and learn new habits. I am hoping to be wronged when I say that this show is for ratings; I would like to believe that Khloe is selfless enough to start a series like this with the contestants solely in mind, but who am I to know for sure.

May the participants find strength to rise above the lowest levels of those who once hated their bodies.

Just remember, you reap what you sow.