Okay, so I'm going to be a little more transparent. Over these last two years, I have been overthinking myself into a depression and having anxiety attacks that I didn't even know happened until later. I've been separating myself more from those around me, and as a result, I've just become accustomed to handling how I've been feeling on my own in order to be the "Happy Little Isis" everyone is used to. I'm more of a giver, and that's okay. But in this process, I remembered a few things, as well as learned a few things about myself.
Not so many moons ago, I was told that my spiritual name was Esther. This meaning that when God formed me in the womb, his special plan for my life was along the lines of hers, which is great — scary but great. Because I was scared, and still am, I ran from it. Let me give you a quick rundown of who Esther was.
In the Bible, Esther was a young, gorgeous, Jewish woman who feared the Lord and walked in his favor. Living in what was known back then as Persia, the king of the land, Xerxes I chose her as his new wife. Now, Xerxes had a high official alongside him named Haman, who, let's say, is like the Mike Pence of this situation. Haman didn't like Jewish people, nor Mordecai, and wanted to eliminate them for whatever self-absorbed reason. Somehow, he got King Xerxes to agree to this and so the genocide was set in stone for a specific day. Mordecai, Esther's cousin, worked under the King as well. When he learned of this, he told Esther, who then was faced with a harsh reality, let them kill her people and pretend she isn't of Jewish descent, or go to the King personally, which was frowned upon because the Queen was to be summoned by the King only, not vice versa, for which usually the women were killed. Mordecai talked her out of her fear and encouraged her to use her influence to help them. So she gathered up the Jewish people and urged them to pray and fast for deliverance. Afterward, Esther organized a dinner with the King and Haman and told them she was indeed of Jewish heritage and that Haman was plotting to kill her, Mordecai, as well as the rest of the Jewish people in the land. The King loved Esther so much that he overlooked the rest, listened to her words, and dealt with Haman instead.
With that story in mind, I have noticed a few patterns in my writing, my everyday conversation and actions. I've been faced with adversity, especially now, and I wanted to stop writing, I wanted to stop making photos, I wanted to stop, I wanted to run. In my mind now, I still want to run, especially with the new winners of the election. I'm afraid that for speaking out on certain "radical" issues, it could make me a target by the corrupt government. I'm afraid that now, every racist, bigoted, xenophobic, person in America, now has the courage to start spreading their hate more openly, in school, in the workplace, in the grocery store, or walking down the street. But like Esther, I won't let them "keep me in my place." So I have to keep writing and keep urging everyone else too. I have to keep making controversial work, and I urge everyone else to do the same. I have to protest whether it be with the pen, the keyboard, the tongue, the lens, the body.
And I know I won't stay at Odyssey forever. I know I'll want to quit, or I'll have to move on, and every so often I'll think that writing is for the birds. Then I'll be reminded that if I don't speak for me and others, who will? A lot of people dangerously think this way. No one can speak the exact same way that I do. What I say and what I do is unique to me, and only me. What you say and what you do is unique to you, and only you. Even with a lot of people already speaking, I need to speak too. Be there for the marginalized, because I know how it feels. So why sit and watch my gay, pansexual, asexual, Trans, Sikh, Muslim, Buddhist, Jewish, Christian, Black, White, Latino or Asian brother or sister be discriminated against because I think someone else will eventually do it instead? Dangerous times call for dangerous action. I can't keep running from God's plan forever.
