Disclaimer: I didn't watch the debate, so I am going to retell it to the best of my ability.

The stage is silent. Four men stand at podiums, the stage is dimly lit. Ben Carson, dressed in pajamas and with a teddy bear in arm, with eyes half open leans into the mic and grunts. The crowd gives a reserved three-second applause. Wolf Blitzer coughs. Donald Trump opens his mouth, freezes. As if time stopped he stood still, finger in the air and mouth agape. After holding for ten seconds, he returns to his resting position. The crowd gives him applause. Ted Cruz leans into his mic and starts to make weird curdling sounds with his mouth. The faces in the crowd wince, the moist, vaguely sexual sounds fill the auditorium. Wolf Blitzer stares forward, his eyes are dead. The sounds stop. The crowd nervously claps. Marco Rubio leans into the mic, with his hand to his ear receiving orders from the GOP Central Headquarters. He opens his mouth, static pours out assaulting the ears of all in the hall. John Kasich is also present.

Wolf Blitzer raises his arm, silencing the crowd. "I have one question." Trump scoffs. "Why won't my wife talk to me anymore?" The candidates all sit silently. Trump is the first to raise his finger to the sky. "My wife is beautiful. She's just a beautiful woman. Like my daughter, but not in that way. I'm not into daughters. That's weird. I'm a father of a very beautiful... vivacious..." Trump starts to drool at this point, "stunning... woman." Rubio jumps in, "Donald Trump, this guy right here, is probably one of the worst things to ever happen to american politics." The feed cuts to black. The screen is black for about 15 minutes.

It flickers back to life. Everyone is out of breath and sweating. John Kasich is gone. Trump has blood on his shirt and is eyeing Ted Cruz. Cruz's suit is torn and we can see his singlet underneath his ill fitting clothes. Ben Carson is being rocked to sleep by Wolf Blitzer in a crib that was brought onto stage. Rubio opens his mouth and begins to talk, Blitzer shushes him immediately.

Fifteen more minutes pass. Carson is finally asleep, exhausted after a busy day of changing shirts. Blitzer returns to his moderator position. "We have a question from YOUTUBE now." A giant screen descends from behind the candidates. A projector turns on and a picture appears. It's Bernie Sanders wearing a wig and with bad makeup applied to his face. "HELLO. I AM A YOUNG VOTER. AND I AM FED UP." The voice is booming, the crowd winces and covers their ears. "HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO THE FACT THAT THE TOP ONE PERCENT OF THE TOP PERCENT OWNS 99 PERCENT OF THE WEALTH IN THIS COUNTRY?" A hand appears off camera to hand Mr. Sanders a tomato. "AS A YOUTH, I AM OUTRAGED." Sanders rips open the tomato. "JUST OUTRAGED." He brings it to his mouth, biting into the succulent juices. They drip down his frail wrinkly skin. "FED UP." He starts to rub the tomato on his face. The screen cuts out. The screen ascends back up.

Ted Cruz opens his mouth and a disgusting sound emanates. Trump cringes and turns to him. Trump pulls something from his pocket. It glistens as the stage-lights hit it. The 60 something year old man lunges across the stage and thrusts the metal object at Cruz. Trump falls through the Canadian. Cruz turns to him and smirks. "I am eternal and unfettered. You cannot kill me, Trump. I am beyond your simple mind." Cruz bends over and reaches his hand inside of Trump's head. Trump's screams fill the hall.

"I am eternal."

As if it must be said again, I did not see the debate. This is simply my best attempt at recreating it based on how I saw people react and my experience with the other debates.