Mental illness affects each individual in different ways. Regardless of their diagnosis, some part of their life and mental health has changed or been altered, as is evident by their seeking help and receiving a diagnosis. Dealing with a diagnosis after the fact can be just as difficult as dealing with the symptoms of the illness—there is a definite struggle involved in mental illness, whether you believe it or not. Something equally as challenging is confiding in your family or peers about your illness; the fact that they made you aware of their challenge is a privilege in and of itself. So, please, understand that these 5 phrases should never leave your mouth when addressing the person in your life who is working through their mental health journey. As a person who struggles with mental health issues, hearing these things were never constructive, not kind, and did not foster an environment of recovery—and they are things I'll never forget hearing.
1. "If they can do it, why cant you?"
Comparison is not always a bad thing—sometimes you can use comparison as a tool to see where you can progress and where you have room for improvement. Discussing mental health is not one of those appropriate times. Yes, I understand that celebrities can manage their mental illnesses publicly. Yes, I know that my classmate or my teammate or family member struggles with their own mental health journey as well, but that doesn't make mine any easier. If I am unable to perform a task, or choose not to take part in something, and someone else can, that is because what I am comfortable doing is not the same as what "they" are. I suffer from depression, a personality disorder, and an anxiety disorder that will interrupt my life at different points in time and affect me in different ways. And that journey is mine, not anyone else's. So save your comparisons for another person or another conversation.
2. "Why are you so inconsistent?"
There is no straight line for recovery in mental health. There are no perfect guidelines and there is no "cure." So yes, I may cancel plans from time to time, or be completely exhausted and not want to join you at the gym in the morning, but I am nothing close to inconsistent. I went to therapy regularly and took my medications every single day. I never missed a class or a meeting. I never missed an assignment or was unable to help someone understand a concept in class. I never missed a birthday celebration and I was never unavailable when a shoulder was needed for crying on. I never missed a shift at work. And all of those things were emotionally and physically draining, but I continued on. Some days my depression would trick me into thinking life wasn't worth living, or my anxiety would tell me that I shouldn't leave the house, but I still managed to show up. Dealing with mental illness does sometimes stop me from being able to participate because of how exhausting life can be, but life does that to everyone.
3. "Get out of that pity party already."
Mental illness is hard. Your brain chemistry is off and firing in the wrong place, or not transmitting the correct chemicals in order to keep you up and running. Yes, it sucks, but no, I am not throwing myself a pity party. I am not throwing a pity party when I confide in you my struggles and try to covey the weight of what I feel every day. I am trying to heal. I am not throwing a pity party when I stay in bed for a few hours extra or in the shower longer than necessary and listening to soothing music. I am trying to listen to what my body needs and help myself through this perpetual down that is mental illness. I am not stuck in a cycle of self-doubt or negative thinking purposefully—in fact, I am trying with all of my efforts to get out of those cycles. I am not simply sad or upset, and if I could just snap out of it and be able to see the sun that shines in my life, I would, believe me. I don't pity myself for dealing with mental illness one bit and I know that one day I will overcome it. The life I'm living is not a pity party and the tough love tactic this tries to employ does nothing to aid in my recovery.
4. "You're such a downer."
In the depths of depression, it is certainly hard to entertain the world around you. Everyone is going about their everyday tasks with ease. You are expected to show up and be happy, regardless of what kind of thoughts are circling your mind. Sometimes that results in me being a little quieter than usual, or more likely to pass when you ask me to go out tonight. But on top of my mental illness, I do not need to be told how awful I am or to hear that I am "draining" or a "downer." No, I may not be the most outwardly happy person at the table, but I am there and making an effort to be a part of something. And instead of commenting on how I am bringing you down, I could use encouragement and positivity. I could use kindness. Not your insults.
5. "You're faking it."
Why would I want people to think I am any of the things previously listed in this article? Why would I want to be tied down to the millions of misconceptions and judgment that accompany the diagnosis of a mental illness? I would I "fake" needing therapy and medication, or the sadness and guilt I feel daily, or the occasional panic attacks I suffer from? What I am dealing with is a real illness of the brain and one that doesn't have a cure, and is not necessarily anything I would have asked for in this life. So why would I fake that? I cannot explain how damaging it can be to be told that you're lying about what you're feeling and thinking, or that the mental illness you suffer from is fake. You don't feel the shakes and tremors I get with my panic attacks, or the elephant weight sitting on my chest. You don't feel the constant sadness and emptiness that I do. You aren't me or my illness, so don't tell me that its "fake."
Mental illness is difficult for all those involved, that is understood. But please be aware of the words you use when talking to those you know who are affected by it. Tough love can be a motivator, but know when you're crossing a line, and know when you're being plain cruel. All of these five things have been said to me at some point in my mental health journey and did indeed leave their mark, or scar. So please don't be someone that harms another human being with your words. Be kind to one another.
Until next week friends.
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