Let me begin, Ms. Notaro, by profusely apologizing to you. Not for what I am about to say, but for you high blood pressure issues you have acquired (or undoubtedly will) from your extensive salt collection you have obtained thanks to overbearing, relentless restaurant staffs at the eateries you seem to unhappily frequent, yet still voluntarily visit. I came across your article, "5 Things Restaurants Need To Stop Doing Right Now", as I scrolled through my Facebook feed. It stood out as intriguing to me since I, along with millions of other hard-working Americans, make a liveable and somewhat comfortable pay having the pleasure of serving customers who thankfully do not share the same attitude as you do.

First of all, I have to know: What kind of restaurants do you go to for you to have such irritating experiences? Please, allow me to explain a little bit about what we call privilege. Yours is showing. Who am I to criticize? One of the "pretentious" members of a wait staff providing you a service, that's who I am. As servers and bartenders, we are trained to make sure our customers' glasses are full and the food is satisfactory. If there is ever an issue, one of our irritating services includes fixing the problem for you, such as bringing you some salt...in a freaking bowl. Which brings me back to my first question: Where the heck do you eat? More importantly, have you ever considered your tone or attitude toward wait staff is pretense for how they respond to your demands?

Remember, not everyone likes and expects the same things you do. Restaurants are not meant to be one-size-fits-all establishments, although we do our best to send you out the door happy.

Since you are an expert on service, I feel gratuitous toward you. So, just for you, I am offering free insight from the magical world of the service industry because quite frankly, ma'am, I am an expert server. Here are five things you need to stop doing in a restaurant right now:

1. Stop walking into restaurants without a reservation in places that offer reservations, especially on high volume nights.

Yeah, some places don't take reservations. So come on in. But other places do for a reason. For instance, 10 reservations may constitute for scheduling 3 servers, maybe 2 if party sizes are smaller. Even if the restaurant is "75 percent empty", the restaurant is still most likely expecting those who planned ahead to show up for their reservations. Crazy, right? The hostess you think is pretending to do her job is actually checking with the chefs, management, etc. to be sure you aren't seated in an area that may be reserved. So in actuality, she is doing her job. Seriously, if you didn't plan ahead, go somewhere else, or wait. Arby's can't be too far. You like Arby's, remember?

2. Don't assume that because you love a certain seasoning, professionals who are reluctant to bring it to you are the devil.

Anyone giving you lip about adding a certain twang to your food, just know it isn't personal. Most establishments take pride in their meal preparation. Cooking is an art to the professional chef, so sometimes, yes...it's insulting. Clearly, you frequent more upscale restaurants generally reserved (see what I did there?) for those who appreciate an intricately-prepared dish and exceptional service. If you don't, I applaud you for your mastery of literature on fooling your readers into thinking you are some sort of reputable critic. I would say food critic, but they generally don't salt the hell out of jerk pork. As I stated before, the "argumentative" tone from your server is more than likely in response to you laughing at him doing his job.

3. Quit assuming servers can read your mind as to whether or not you need something.

Don't be so paranoid to think we interrupt you on purpose. We have no interest in your story toward your friends and family, but we do have an interest in making sure you're a satisfied customer throughout your meal. No, I will absolutely not stand behind you or next to you and wait for you to finish your story or wait for the "perfect" moment to walk up to the table because a) I'm not that interested in rudely eavesdropping your personal life b) you're most certainly not my only table and c) I would rather be overly attentive than ignore you. Tell you what, whenever you need your server, sit there in silence. We can read your mind better that way. Moreover, this is disgustingly unacceptable (and for professional purposes will refrain from what I really want to say):

"I put my fork down, turned to the server and said, 'Why are you here? What crisis have you observed developing at this table within the 120 seconds since you were here last? If you want to pull up a chair and join us, that's fine, but know we are splitting the bill equally. And now that includes you.'"

Which brings me to my next point:

4. Stop calling servers pretentious. Look in a mirror, an item in which I'm certain you own plenty of.

Read closely: Servers must greet tables in a particular way per company policy. This is especially true in a corporate chain. Yeah, sometimes it's corny (or maybe in your case, salty) but you would be amazed at how this increases sales and rapport with customers during their visit. A knowledgeable server is an exceptional server. Furthermore, what's so disseminating about servers, managers, or owners being proud and enthusiastic about their jobs? I won't be doing this forever, as I use this chapter in my life to help pay for law school, but I love what I do. I do have my bad days though, like the ones when I deal with arrogant, pretentious customers.

5. Don't ever chastise a server for their "wording" when asking questions about the food you're paying for.

Since you're so adamant about your right to criticize as a paying customer, I am a little surprised at your annoyance toward a server's inquiry on how your food tastes. Who cares how they ask? Is it good? Say, "yes". Is it bad? Explain why and we're happy to accommodate you. If a simple cluster of words to ensure your satisfaction gets under your skin that terribly, why do you go out to eat? To find reasons to complain? I can't help but feel sorry for you.

I can almost guarantee you that your article is more insulting than any treatment you may have endured during your visit. Remember, not everyone likes and expects the same things as others. That's a lesson not only where you choose to eat, but how you live your life. We as servers cater to human beings, not robots...and that's what we are: human beings.

Your ruthless remarks toward the service industry makes it poignantly evident that salt is definitely your favorite seasoning.