Rather than going out to a bar to sneak a New Year's kiss or going to church to ring in the New Year praising the Lord, I celebrated the beginning of 2019 in a different way. I asked about 50 of my friends what they wanted prayer for as we enter 2019. While many of the responses were simple, with people asking for prayer for health, happiness, and love in 2019, others had vast requests for the New Year like: "I want to have no fear in 2019" or "to be completely free from insecurity". These thoughts are aspirational and could be great goals for the new season. However, I also think they are a bit ambitious and my initial reaction was that they mirror what technology has done for us. We live during a time when we all have high-speed access to information via our iPhones at any given moment. Does our generational trend of us wanting for things quick, fast, and in a hurry cause us to have unrealistic expectation for our future?

I want to be clear; I think it is important to think wishfully for the New Year. I am a firm believer that words have power and often times it is important to speak into existence what you want for your future. However, it is for this same reason we should reflect on our previous frustrations and plan smaller steps to achieve the goals we want to conquer in 2019.

PSA: Your personal growth will NOT change overnight. No one wakes up on January 1st without any type of fear or insecurity. And, that is because your previous actions affect your reality now - both good and bad. So rather than pretending like your habits do not affect you, I encourage you to allow this period of growth to be a gradual one.

As for myself, 2018 was filled with many ups and downs. As a junior dance major in the Glorya Kaufman School of Dance at the University of Southern California, I have learned to construct reasonable and thoughtful goals, especially in studies. For example, one dance aspiration that has been prominent in my life has been about my ballet technique. Since I was little, I had always worked hard: stretching and practicing dances at home, bringing a journal to my teacher Ms. Denise's ballet class to write down every correction and being the first to raise my hand in her class to prove I knew all of the definitions of the French ballet terminology. However, I still struggled with the application of the technique. Even as I trained throughout high school, I was known more for my performance quality and was often used as an example as someone whose "passion and ability to 'fake it until I make it' would take me far". And while, yes I have made it far, now being in one of the best dance schools in the country at USC, I still work to get this label off of me.

Grace Hildabrand (left), Ms. Denise (center), Rachel Harris (right)

The shift from a competition dance studio to a dance conservatory was difficult for me. Transitioning from a one or two ballet classes a week to now five or six with additional hours of rehearsal was challenging physically, mentally, and spiritually. Each semester I have had periods when I felt completely burnt out and questioned why I even came to this school. On some days I saw vast improvement in myself while on others I felt like I regressed far beyond what I thought was acceptable. However, I still worked everyday with the hope that I would improve. Even during performances when I thought I would feel the achievement of a semester's hard work, and despite audience's comments of ahh's and ohh's, I still did not feel that I had made any growth.

As a college student, I have come to recognize the value in returning home for the holidays. For me, coming means I have the pleasure of teaching at the studios I grew up in. Not only is there an obligation to pay the training forward to future generations who stood where I was several years ago, there is also the chance for them to see that someone like them from a small studio in Charlotte, North Carolina who is studying in Los Angeles, CA. And hopefully they will be inspired to do achieve their dreams too. It is also here that I learned how to appreciate my own growth.

Turns out, the five to six technique classes have paid off! When I return home, I receive compliments on how my body has changed in addition to improvements in my ballet technique, musicality, and ability to groove since attending college. My teachers, mentors, and peers see my growth not only in ballet but in my dancing as a whole. It is here that not only do I get motivation to complete another semester, but I am also fueled by the comments from dance teachers who watched me dance since I was little and see the jump in my progress from year to year. Coming home has taught me how it is important to gain a different perspective and see yourself from a different lens.

So while I did not see the growth from day to day, an observer who sees your progress a few times a year will notice your enhancement. Inversely, we can set big goals like: "no fear or insecurity in 2019". But it is also important to seek thoughtful actions to make baby steps of improvement to conquer this goal and reflect on your progress later.

The wonderful and frustrating thing about school is that you are always pushed to stretch even when you feel like you are at your maximum. So even though my teachers at home may comment on my progress, I know that I can expect corrections and helpful feedback from my teaching while at school.

My first ballet teacher and mentor Ms. Denise, the same one who I would annoy with questions and ballet terminology, told me this quote by Suzanne Farrell: "A plié is the first thing you learn, and the last thing you master". Plié quite literally is the first ballet step you learn at age 3 and something legendary dancers have still worked on at age 60. At a young age, Ms. Denise was teaching me that learning, growing, and improving never stops. So although my technique is advancing, I still have much to learn. Likewise even though you may have made immense progress in 2018 or you want to rid yourself of things in 2019, you must also face the reality that although you have made progress, your work will never truly be done.

This is not a defeating statement. It should be encouraging. It should be a challenge that you accept and work towards winning everyday. Some days you will not win and feel defeated - like me during ballet class day-to-day. And that is okay too. Because each one is different. All you can do each day to conquer your big resolution, is your best.