The past:
It's a thing. It's a beautiful thing. It's a scary thing. It's a concrete thing... BUT it's different for everyone. There's one thing that's the same for everyone though: it's there and it's not going anywhere.
People with depression often seem to fall back into their old ways. They find themselves lost in their past and trying to find a way out.
There was a time when it was a struggle to get out of bed every single morning for me. I had to find something new to fight for every single morning. I could've laid in bed every single day but I wanted more for myself.
Eventually, I did get more for myself. It just happened one day. I didn't see it coming and I never thought I'd get it.
I had the summer of a life time. I spent a lot of days working with friends, and spent my afternoons on the go. That was the thing: I kept myself busy a lot of times. I didn't have time to be depressed or to sit in bed. I had been in a bad way and I was looking for a way out. This was my way out.
I spent a lot of time with new friends, hanging out in parking lots, eating junk food, and loving life. I was finally happy. I hadn't enjoyed myself like this in a long time and I couldn't remember the last time I had loved life like this.
THEN, it hit another turn... for the better! I met a boy. At first, it was just for fun and for someone to laugh with me. We started hanging out every day and then we became inseparable. We fell in love and I really haven't ever been happier since now.
But, the past is still there and so is the depression.
Sometimes, when I'm laughing with friends in the parking lot eating junk food, or cuddled up with my boyfriend... I feel it knocking on the door.
I get scared and I try pushing it away. I push my boyfriend away or my friends away. I make myself upset before it even gets there.
I'm scared that I'll go back into who I was, that I'll loose everything I've gained within the past year or so. I'm scared that my boyfriend will realize I'm something different than he fell in love with. I'm scared my friends won't want someone who's so "sad" to be hanging out with them.
That's why I decided that my past will not define me.
No matter how bad I don't want to slip back into who I was, it will still come up and it will still be scary.
I won't slip back into who I was though.
I can't keep ignoring that there is a part of me that will always be there.
I have to remember where I come from, and I just can't give up.
No matter how far you want to run from it, your past will always be there. It doesn't define you! The past is just something that happens to everyone, and that will always be there. That doesn't mean you have to give into it though. You have to know better and be stronger than it once was.
"Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it."
Running from the past, or in my case, to the past will only hurt you again. Be better and stronger than the past. It's not who you are anymore.
