October is a big month for causes. It's breast cancer awareness month and domestic violence awareness month, amongst many others. All of which are important. But right now, let's talk about pregnancy and infant loss.
If you follow me on social media, you'll hear a lot about it from me this month. You'll hear about the wave of light, on the 15th, and I encourage you to take part in it. It's a topic that is near and dear to me.
One in four women will lose a child in their lifetime. It could be a miscarriage, ectopic, a genetic defect, stillbirth, sudden infant death - the list goes on. Each of those has its own statistics as well. The average for all those is one in four. That said, chances are you know someone who has lost a child at some point. Maybe they don't talk about it anymore, maybe they never did. The topic of child loss, like many other topics, is still pretty taboo. As a result, grieving parents don't always get the support they need.
I was 24 and it was just after the new year in 2013 when I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified and excited all at the same time. I took to calling my little one Bean in those weeks after finding out. I would later settle on Leonardo Joseph as a way to make what happened real, which in turn helped with my grief. In those weeks before I lost my Bean, his father and I had picked out names (we were still arguing over a girl's name) and we knew who the God parents would be. Only those closest to us knew we were expecting.
February 13th I went to a Buck's game and confided in a close friend that something was wrong. I didn't know what, but I knew that something was. The next morning, after walking to work, I went to the emergency room. Only two people knew that I went until after. I walked up in tears. Something was wrong and my baby wasn't okay. The doctor came in and did a physical exam. He gave me some hope. It didn't look like a miscarriage. I was sent for an ultrasound and could tell from the way the tech was that it was false hope. A nurse told me after that it was ectopic, but wouldn't answer any other questions. The doctor explained to me that it meant my baby was growing in my tubes, but I was lucky enough to have caught it when I did. I wouldn't need surgery. No, instead they would give me an injection to cause my body to miscarry. The nurse sat with me during it, she kept apologizing to me. I remember trying to smile and tell her it wasn't her fault. A group text was sent to everyone who did know after I left. I didn't want to talk about it just yet. I remember going to pick up my prescription and running into a friend. She was out shopping for something to wear that night. It was Valentine's Day after all. I wanted to be anywhere but there. To this day I'll tell you that is the worst pain I've ever been through.
It took me a long time to begin to heal after losing LJ. That first year was by far the hardest. Eventually I reached out online for help. Some of my nearest and dearest friends are baby loss moms that I met that first year.
There's many things I've learned since that loss. We don't all grieve the same. You should never allow someone to tell you how to grieve either. Grief also has no time frame. While losing a child feels so very lonely, you aren't ever alone. There's so many of us that have walked this path before you and we're all here with open arms and open hearts when you need us. There are resources out there, you just have to look. You'll grieve not only for the loss, but for the life they didn't get to have. You may come to see people and things in different ways. All the sudden things that were a big deal to you aren't anymore. Likewise, things you never cared about now may consume you. You figure out who is important in your life and you hold onto them, often closer than ever before. You learn to live what we call a new normal.
With how common baby loss is the topic should be less taboo. It should be okay to say you've lost a baby. It should be okay to talk about them whenever you want, even years down the road. October 15th is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. People around the globe will be lighting candles at 7PM, their time, in remembrance of all the littles gone too soon. I encourage you to take part. Take a picture and use #waveoflight2016 as the hashtag.
The greatest thing we can do for others who have lost a child is simply to remember with them. Ask them about their baby. Say their name with them, to them, for them. Remember their child with them, at birthdays, and holidays, and the day they lost their little. Remember them during the ordinary days too. Let them talk about their baby, when ever and for however long they want to.
I'm breaking the silence and telling the world that I lost a baby. One in four isn't just a statistic. One in four is me, and too many others.
