On March 2nd, 2016, my grandmother, Leonie Kowitt, who I knew as Mar Mar, passed away. Since she was a fairly healthy person leading up until the very end. Her death was pretty unexpected and no one was really prepared to face the reality when she got sick. It was like one day she was the small, yet fierce and independent woman we all knew, and the next she was helpless and feeble, two traits that were unrecognizable for her. Mar Mar had a lot of living left, and I don’t think she was ready to die when the time came. With that being said, my grandmother left the Earth with grace and didn’t allow adversity to drain her spirit, despite the dire circumstances.

Following Mar Mar’s death, I had a lot of trouble coming to terms with why such a sweet and compassionate soul was taken from this planet so soon. I thought it was unfair that she didn’t get to attend my high school graduation or my brother’s college graduation, both events that she would have been smiling the entire time through. I didn’t understand why her life took a turn for the worse in such short notice. I couldn’t move past the fact that I would never be able to hear her high-pitched chuckle again or have her size up next to me and ask if I got taller since the last time she saw me.

Though it’s been almost two years since her passing, I still think about her often and the imprint she left on me and those who were lucky enough to know her. I feel like I learned more about my grandmother in the last few months of her life than I did in my 17 years of knowing her, and I attribute that to the lessons about life that she unknowingly taught me in her final months.

Spend as much time as possible with the people you love.

A few months before my Grandmother got sick, my dad decided it was time for my family to visit my grandparents at their winter home in Longboat Key, Florida. At first, I was not ecstatic about spending my winter break with my grandparents, but my dad knew that they were getting older, and he wanted us to take the opportunity to go to Longboat Key while we still could. It ended up being a great vacation, and I am so grateful that we went on that impromptu vacation because little did I know that it would be the last time I saw Mar Mar.

Don’t sweat the small things

On that visit to Longboat, it was becoming more and more apparent to my family and I that my grandmother’s memory was fading. She was going through the early stages of Dementia, which is something I never thought could happen to someone that I was close to. It was terrifying to hear that my grandmother couldn’t remember small things that used to be drilled into her head such as the name of my boyfriend, the sport I played, and the year I was graduating. It concerned me when one day during lunch she asked me a total of seven times whether or not I wanted her to make me a turkey sandwich.

On that trip, my whole family became pretty aware of just how much her short-term memory was diminishing, but the funny thing was that Mar Mar didn’t give a shit. We noticed that her skin was incredibly tan, which told us that she was forgetting to wear sunscreen when she was out in the sun: something that she used to be religious about applying in her daily routine. We also discovered rotting two-week old sushi that was left in the fridge, which my dad scolded her about yet all she could say for it was “Oh, I didn’t know that was still in there.” It was small things like those that made the rest of us uneasy, but Mar Mar didn’t sweat it at all. No matter how many times we told her “You already asked us that” she didn’t care. She would just shrug her shoulders and make a face that said, “So I’m losing my memory, no biggie.” My grandmother deteriorating before our eyes was harder on us than it was for her, which is incredibly telling about the person she was and how she went through life. She literally couldn’t care less that she couldn't remember things like she used to, and even though it scared the hell out of us, it reassured my family that if she wasn’t stressing about it, then we shouldn’t either.

Always say I love you.

Almost two months after our trip to Florida, I found out that my grandmother had a Pulmonary Embolism, which is a blood clot on her lung. All I really knew was that she had a terrible cough and that we didn’t really know much about the severity of her condition. I remember it was Valentine’s Day and I called her to say I love you and ask how she was doing. The conversation didn’t last more than a few minutes, and it hurt me to hear her cough painfully through each word she said, but I was able to hear her voice and exchange I love you’s with her one last time. I think it’s incredibly fitting that the last time I spoke to Mar Mar was on Valentine’s Day, and the last words I said to her were "I love you."

Never let your spirit fall, even when faced with adversity

One thing that I will always remember my grandmother for is her dark sense of humor and optimistic personality that she carried with her until the very end. When her condition started getting worse, my dad flew to Florida to assist my grandfather and come to my grandmother’s aid.

This is one of my favorite stories to tell about Mar Mar because it is a prime example of how she approached life with a positive perspective on everything. Even when she was on her deathbed, waiting for her inevitable fate, she never let it exhaust her personality or the sense of humor that followed her through life.

When my dad first got down to Longboat and took my grandmother to the hospital, he told me about this conversation that Mar Mar had with the doctor. A conversation that couldn't describe this incredible woman more.

The doctor walked into the room, introduced himself, and asked Mar Mar, “Do you know where you are?”

To which my grandmother responded, trying to make light of the situation, “Yes, I’m in Neiman Marcus, shopping.”

Of course, the doctor figured she was deranged and decided to question her further. He then asked her, “Do you know why you’re here?”

Sticking to the character she was playing, my grandmother responded, “Because my husband wants to send me away before I spend all of his money.”

This clearly was not a response the doctor was used to receiving from sick patients, especially the elderly, so he ran to get my dad to report on the delusional things she was saying. Of course, my grandmother knew exactly where she was and why she was there, and my dad wasn’t shocked at all when the doctor told him what she said. He just shook his head and apologized to the doctor, explaining that it was just my grandmother’s twisted sense of humor that she thought could lighten the mood. Though it probably wasn’t funny to the doctor, this is something that puts a smile on my face every time I think about her. The fact that my grandmother was literally in hospice and cracking jokes, just shows the kind of person she was, and how she carried that spirit with her until her final days.

A few days after that phone call I had with my grandmother on Valentine’s day, they discovered cancer in her lungs. Though I had no clue how serious a Pulmonary Embolism was, I certainly knew about the severity of cancer. The next morning, I found out that my grandmother had suffered from a few strokes during the night, and she could no longer talk. This broke my heart, because all I wanted to do was call her up and hear her voice one last time. My father and his siblings, along with my grandpa, stood by my grandmother’s side until she passed away later that week. They said that even when she couldn’t talk or move, she was able to communicate by sticking out her tongue. Since she could still hear and understand what was going on around her, they would communicate with Mar Mar by asking her questions and telling her to stick out her tongue in response. My dad told me that she would stick it out in a sassy way each time, almost like how a 5-year-old would stick her tongue out at her parents. Yet again, Mar Mar never failed to let her spirit shine through, even if all she had was her tongue to show it.

“When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.”

I miss my grandmother more than anything, but I'm grateful for the 17 years I got to spend with her. Almost two years later, and I sometimes still forget that she's gone, because that's just how much of an impact she had on me as my grandmother. She really was an amazing person, and I am so lucky to have had such a positive energy in my life that helped mold me into the woman I am today. I know she'll always be with me, as I am constantly reminded of the lessons she taught me and the aspects of her personality that I have inherited from her.