Every kid has a celebrity crush. Rarely does that crush, infatuation, whatever you call it, impact your life in a profound way — a personal way.

Well, much like the rest of my life, the truth is stranger than fiction. My crush did change my life. She fundamentally altered its course. It wouldn't be a stretch to say that I wouldn't be here writing this article if not for her.

The reason, however, is unfortunate. The facts are as follows. I have dreaded this, but here we go.

Her name was Mercedes Grabowski, she was born on August 23rd, 1994. She was from Nova Scotia, Canada.

She was happily married, liked cats and going to Disneyland with her best friend.

She was found dead by hanging on December 5th, 2017.

Me being the kid that I was, I was sweet, emotional, and eager to impress and make people laugh. The internet was the place to test all my cheesy jokes and cut loose. I loved her sense of humor, her love for others. What I've attached below proves that in abundance. She loved all, and I loved her for that reason.

But that's not the whole of it.

She was also known by the name August Ames, starred in 290 adult films and was nominated for several adult film industry awards, at the time of her death, she had over 500,000 followers on Twitter and had been featured in Maxim and various other publications. Her death made the news after a highly-publicized Twitter controversy, in what some deemed her actions to be that of homophobia. She called out a company she was working with for not letting her know that her scene partner had done gay porn, and did so in an attempt to stand her ground and protect her sexual autonomy. You can find out more in this blog post.

For me though, none of that was what earned her my admiration, and by that I do mean admiration. Neither did it make her death hit me as hard as it did, and still does. She helped me just by being herself. In a time, when I was young, frustrated, depressed and suicidal, she was there to laugh at my jokes and make me feel better. She was one of the kindest and strongest people I'd ever met.

Twitter

I have been struggling for months now with the weight of her death. I saw a family destroyed. This is primarily because after she died, I made a Youtube video about my experiences. That video reached roughly 17,000 people. However, one of the first things I did was to get in contact with her brother, who I sent the video too. I spoke to him on the phone months later, to help complete a video for his charity, The Mercedes Movement. I heard the voice of a man forced to move on in spite of an insurmountable tragedy. To see strangers, some of whom brought his sister to her wit's end and then to her actual end. I saw her husband, broken, building a shrine to the woman that made him whole. I knew their love was true, and I felt his pain, which he wrote about at length.

Kevin Moore

I saw her best friend, who was reduced to tears, mature from twenty, a mere year older than me, to some new stage entirely, changing her look to match. We've gotten to know each other a bit, but for me, it's not the same, and I know she'd trade anything, much like I would, to have her friend back.

And me? The geeky, goofy kid she knew? The one who felt compelled to show her his first day of college?

Twitter

I'm probably never going to be the same. Her death has irreparably changed me, much as her life had. Even now, and more pertinent to this article, on what would've been her 24th birthday. I finally realize that I'd lost a confidant, someone I trusted, maybe if you could go so far as to call her a friend. Every step I take, I carry the kindness she brought into my life with me. So much so that every piece of film I make now has this logo.

SummerDaze Films logoSummer Daze Films

I guess, to wrap this up, I learned a lot about life this year. How short it is. How precious people can be to us. How those that help us fight our own demons, can be slain by their own. She will always hold a place in my heart, and though I regret never getting to thank her in person or give her a hug, I know she's at peace now, and I'll see her again. Happy Birthday.

Kevin MooreTwitter