I've always been a good Catholic. I listen to the teachings, despite disagreements I kneel to the authority of the Vatican, and despite many misfortunes, I've never questioned the existence of a God.

That being said, I am not a spiritual man.

It has become sharply evident due to the deeply Catholic roots and demographic of my current school but I am not a spiritual man. I've never felt the 'warmth of God', I don't feel better after Mass, and when I pray there's never an answer. As you can imagine it's all been a bit of a paradox.

It was a year ago that I decided, come Hell or high water, I would find some level of spirituality. I doubled down on my prayer, I did more service, I became more involved in the religious community, I did everything the Church says to do. There was no progress and I became highly disenfranchised. Was I not a good enough Catholic? Yes I did some pretty bad things in my past but I reconciled and the church says I am to be forgiven. Could the church be wrong? Is my God one of vengeance? Like Hell if I know.

I decided to ask some of my classmates, far more spiritual people than myself, how they connected with God and the answers were disappointing. Prayer, adoration, charity. I was berated with the same tactics I have been trying for the past months and I was forced to ask a question deemed unthinkable in modern Catholic teaching. Does God play favorites?

One could certainly think that. Some people go to Mass and come out praising the sense of grace fallen upon them while some of us remain untouched. Some people pray and eagerly share the signs God sends them while some of us continue one sided conversations.

That being said most people ask why I even belong to the Church. Why am I Catholic? Why am I a Eucharistic Minister? Why am I a Knight of Columbus? Why do I intend to raise my children among the faithful and the answer is simple. I believe in the Church. I believe in the good work they do. I believe in the authority of the Holy Father. I believe in the Hierarchy of the Church and, to me, that is enough to keep me Catholic.

Now I'm perfectly aware that a lot of these lifestyle articles like to end everything up in a nice bow and I'm sure some of you are expecting an epiphany or a conversion story but, as is life, things are rarely so easy. Hopefully, awareness will be raised to the faithful about a segment of their population that's often overlooked. Those who try so hard to feel that missing piece. Those who constantly are on the outside looking in. We believe in God, we believe in the Church, we believe in the faith but we are not spiritual.