A couple of days ago, I had my first "late night" of the semester.
The kind of late night where you look up and somehow it's no longer 11 p.m. but 2 a.m., and you're still not done with whatever you're working on.
The kind of late night that mocks you.
The kind of late night that sends you down a spiral of questions like "Am I already behind in the first week of school?" or "How am I going to survive the semester if I can't even handle this one thing?!"
This semester I've realized my brain has been lagging when it comes to getting back in the swing of things.
I could blame it on the routines I fell into during the summer, where I immersed myself in settings where I was focusing all my energy on a few key tasks. That mindset is wildly different than the one I need to navigate work, 20 credits, and a rehearsal schedule all while still finding time to eat food and maybe hit the gym.
I could blame it on my own shortcomings. Then I have to gently remind myself how I have not only handled crazier schedules but how not feeling totally in-tune with my schedule yet is not a reflection on my abilities AT ALL.
My brain feels a little like the kid in ballet class who is always a half-beat behind everyone else.
And it's a kind of painful to sit back, and realize where I'm at, and say "OK."
The perfectionist and over-achiever in me wants to yell and berate myself.
The hippie mom in me wants to make sure I'm going to have time for the things that fuel me on a spiritual, soulful level like my relationships and my art.
Even the voice of common sense in the way, waaay back of my brain wants me to be getting decent sleep, eating more than protein bars as I walk around campus, and drinking enough water.
Despite all the things I need and want, my brain is a half-step behind.
Recognizing it doesn't mean I don't care, but it does mean that I'm acknowledging where I am now so I can plan where I want to be. Those two points always exist in relation to each other, whether we like it or not.
No matter what we previously achieve, it is totally possible to still get caught up in the small stuff. Whether that be time management, re-learning how to juggle 70 different tasks in one week, or just remembering our keys when we head out the door. No years of experience make us infallible.
I'm a junior in college and I'm still learning to get my sh*t together.
Let's be completely honest, I'm going to be learning and relearning how to do that for the rest of my life.
Before I can do that, however, I need to get through the semester.
So, to my brain: come on, dude. We're going to get there, but it's going to take some work. Let's step up and make this semester happen.
