One Tuesday afternoon I sat there in the darkness under a pile of covers with my favorite person watching Netflix, the television barely audible over the laughter from our conversation. We talked about friends and family, stresses from life that always seemed to get in the way. I looked up at this great guy with a smile on my face that I had this person to turn to when everything else in my life seemed so tough. He was my best friend; I thought that was the best thing imaginable. But maybe not.
I had been in relationships before, but none quite like this one. It was different. He was different. I feel like everyone has that relationship that changes the way they do relationships. He was mine. He was someone I could talk to about anything, someone who everything about him seemed to bring out the very best in me. Honestly, as a person, he was everything I wanted to be. I was happy. But sometimes happiness isn't enough. People are people that make mistakes and do things they regret. Relationships end too soon, and they sometimes even end up taking the friendship with them.
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I hope he knows that I am sorry. I hope that he knows I don't blame him for anything. We both said stuff we didn't mean and did things that we wish we could take back. Sometimes, that is enough. Sometimes, things just become too tough. Sometimes, fights leave certain wounds — leave things that cannot be repaired. Honestly, I don't know exactly what happened with us. I'm not sure exactly where it went wrong, but I do know where it went right. I got to meet someone that I had more in common with than I ever imagined.
You got to hear my heart through my writing, and I got to hear yours. You just got me in ways that other people never have. In the time that I knew you, you made me a better person. Even if you didn't know it, you helped me. I really hope that, in some way, I helped you. Letting go of a relationship like that takes time, whether that is a dating relationship or just a friendship. It is difficult, and it is painful. Yes, there were fights when voices were raised a little too much and a few too many things were said, but there was also sitting in pouring rain feeling nothing but peace and happiness. I owe that time to you. The good times were perfectly imperfect. The bad times were too. But sometimes that still isn't enough.
I have no idea where your life is at this moment. I hope that you still have goofy pictures with me on your phone. I hope that you still smile when you think back on some of our first odd conversations about Spongebob and curtains. I hope that there are some things that you always attribute to me, like "Grey's Anatomy" quotes, special edition cars, and red flannel pajamas. I hope you remember dancing to The Beach Boys and late night conversations. I hope hearing a "Lion King" song takes you back to singing in the car, and that there are some books that you will always know as mine. I hope there are certain shows you can't watch without smiling, and I hope you think back fondly on the one where everyone finds out. I hope you don't forget.
We may not have been perfect, but the memories were. I hope wherever you are, whatever is happening in your life, that you are happy. I am too. I'm sorry that we didn't work out, but I hope you know that I always wish you the very best. I know you may blame yourself for how things turned out, but I wouldn't change a single thing if I were given the chance. I am thankful for the time that my life was blessed by having you in it. My time with you has made me who I am, just like every relationship does. Relationships end, with the impressions that they leave molding us through the pain. That is how the story goes. I know that sometimes, it is difficult to look back on tough situations and find the good, but I know that the time that you spent with me has benefited you even more in making you that perfect guy for whatever girl you end up with. And let me tell you, she is a lucky one.
"I'm sorry that I let you down. I'm sorry about how it all turned out. This wasn't how it was supposed to end." Forgive Yourself -xoxo-
