I'm no Taylor Swift, but I've had my fair share of dating experiences in my lifetime. I've sat through coffee dates where my coffee had more flavor than the date. I've broken hearts and had my own shattered. I've been swept off my feet and I've been let down. In my brief twenty-one years on this earth, I'd like to think that I've accumulated some wisdom— some golden nuggets, if you will—on love and all that jazz. Dating can be hectic, complicated, awkward, and sometimes downright painful. But it's not all bad, especially with the right person. However, when we find that person we often forget to keep dating them. We forget how to care, how to support them, and sometimes how to love them. Dating isn't effortless, nor should it be, so in the messy world of relationships these are some rules to live by. Although I could write novels and entire book series on the importance of each one, I'll keep it short and sweet. Consider it my Survival Guide to love and dating.
1. Take your time.
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In a society that pushes you to find the perfect match before you lose all your eggs or whatever, we often forget to slow it down and live in the moment. There is no rush to meet someone, no deadline to start dating them, and it's not the end of the world if you aren't in love yet. As Mother Gothel once said, "all good things come to those who wait," (and yes, I just quoted Tangled: the greatest Disney movie ever). Love takes time to grow and settle, and if you try to push it or constrain it, something is bound to go wrong. Everything will happen in it's own time, you just have let it. So sit back, and enjoy the ride.
2. Establish a friendship before you start dating.
When people say "date your bestfriend," there's actually some logic behind it. Your bestfriend is someone you count on for anything, someone who knows you better than you do, and most importantly someone you can be your truest self around. They are always there when you need them, whether it's four in the evening or four in the morning. They are your biggest fan no matter how embarrassing they can be, and they will always love you unconditionally. At the end of the day, no matter how much you've fought or disagreed on where to eat, you'll always have that friendship. So find that person who can be that for you, and just let Cupid do the rest.
3. Don't ever settle!
If I could shout this one from the rooftops, I would. Too often we settle for less than what we deserve, and we forget we have needs that aren't going to meet themselves. When you date someone below your standards, (and yes you should always have standards), you are compromising in the worst way. They will almost always disappoint you, even though they don't mean to. Not only will you be sacrificing part of yourself, but they will never feel like they are good enough for you, and that's not okay either. Save yourself some heartache and keep your eyes on the prize!
4. Go wild— no, seriously.
Weeks of routine and the same-old-same-old can really have a negative effect on both you and your relationship. So why not try something new? Changing things up can rekindle those sparks you've been missing, and maybe you'll even learn something new about yourselves along the way. Instead of going to Taco Bell, maybe have a nice dinner date and wear something besides that old t-shirt you've been wearing everyday. Instead of going to the movies, go on a hike. If you're feeling extra adventurous, you can always stare at your phone screens together and hunt for Pokémon in super inconvenient and slightly dangerous places. Nothing says "I love you" more than catching them all side by side.
5. Support each other.
This one can be tricky, but it is so important. Support is more than just showing up to their events or rooting for their favorite football team that you so clearly hate. Supporting someone means you invest in them. You have to take the time to understand what they are passionate about, what drives them, what puts their feet on the floor every morning. Their goals become your goals, their dreams become your dreams, their wants become your wants, and their needs become your needs. It's means getting interested in something you never gave a second glance to simply because it means so much to them, and they mean so much to you.
6. Take some one on one time...
It's good to hang out with family and friends, I mean who doesn't love a good get-together that usually implies free food and good company? But after while you start to lose touch with one another and your relationship suffers from it. Take some alone time to check back in with each other and realign yourselves. Talk about your days, what you had for lunch, where you want to go in life, where you would travel if you won the lottery. Even the little things can give you insight into who they are and what they want. Have a nice date night, or go to the bar together. Even if it's just a popcorn and Netflix kind of night, watch something you can talk about. Staying familiar and up to date with each other will keep your relationship running smoothly.
7... but also take some "me" time.
On the other hand, there is such a thing as spending too much time with each other. Even my parents who have been married for twenty five years don't spend every waking minute together or else they'd kill each other. Being together 24/7 isn't healthy, in fact it's suffocating. Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. I'm not saying you should only see each other every other day, but only spending time with each other puts you in a fish bowl. You begin to loose touch with the real world and those around you. More importantly, you begin to lose touch with yourself. Don't get so wrapped up in each other that your other relationships suffer because of it. Take some alone time, either by yourself or with friends, just to get a breath of fresh air.
8. It's okay to be selfish.
This one is harder to swallow for some people. All our lives we've been taught to share, to be kind, and to put other's needs before our own. I'm not saying they were wrong, but when it comes to dating, sometimes it takes putting your own needs first to realize that they weren't being met in the first place. It's easy to get comfortable in a relationship and just go with it, but at some point you'll realize that something is missing. Being selfish isn't just for your benefit, but for theirs, too. The more you know yourself, the better you can help them know you.
9. People change.
I dare someone to go into college and say they came out the exact same person, because they'd probably get struck by lightning or something. Personally, I'm not even the same person I was last week. People change. We experience so much and we are exposed to so many different ideas that it's impossible not to take some of it with you. When you're dating someone, you have to stay in sync with each other's seasons. Growing together is one of the coolest things you can do, because you can always look back and see just how far you've come. Unfortunately, that's the hardest part. Sometimes we are too focused on ourselves and we start to walk away from them before we even realize where we're going. You can't just go down your own path and expect them to follow, you have to take the journey together.
10. It doesn't always work, and that's okay.
You could take every single piece of advice I just gave you, everything your mother taught you, and everything your bestfriend ever warned you about, but sometimes it just doesn't work out. For whatever reason, you fall apart. Maybe you lost sight of the love, or you neglected each other's needs, or you spent way too much time together, or maybe you took two different paths and lost each other along the way. Whatever the reason, just know that it's okay. When a relationship fails it just means your time is up and it's time for something new. All you can do is take what you've learned, and carry it with you. Learn from your mistakes, and press on. Letting go isn't easy, but sometimes it's the only thing you can do. With 7.4 billion people in this world, life is too short to waste your time on the wrong one.
