1. Love is always changing. 

Perhaps you're afraid to use that dreaded L-word in the midst of your relationship. I know I certainly was. Afraid to come across as naive, I shied away from using the word 'love' even when I felt that I had been experiencing it. I was often afraid that by referencing such a powerful concept, I would scare my partner away from me or that it would make breaking up much harder later on.

As I look back at my old relationships, it's easy to jump to the conclusion that I never loved at all; that I was simply naive; especially because love has come to mean something much more complex for me now than I'd ever comprehended it to be when I was younger.

Perhaps, however; I did experience love back then.

I know what you're thinking. Love is such a powerful thing. How is it possible that you could have loved anyone at such a young age?

Well, consider this: Life is always changing. Every moment is different than the previous one, and though I may not realize it, so am I; Each thought, breath, and action I take is something different that I didn't have a moment ago, and likewise, my definition of love is always changing and growing to fit who I am at a specific moment in time.

I have loved at many different times throughout my life even though each time has constituted something different. Perhaps my love back then wouldn't satisfy my "love" in this current moment, but it doesn't mean it didn't satisfy my definition of love back then; My feelings were valid.

There holds a great value in appreciating the present moment and being authentic in how I feel, even if my perceptions of what constitutes a particular concept are bound to change in the future. By being open with how I feel, perhaps I am being more vulnerable; but, I would also argue that it helps me to enjoy the present moment as my genuine and authentic self without suppressing my thoughts and worrying about the future. Casting blame and judgement on myself for potentially mis-using a word I felt captured my feelings in the moment, only disrupted the beauty and authenticity of that special present moment in time.

2. Communication is complex and incredibly important.

It's a lot more than just talking. Communication is probably one of the most important factors in any form of relationship, and it comes in so many different forms. If both partners in a relationship aren't being completely open with how they feel and expressing themselves fully, problems arise. If actions don't match the words a person conveys, there likely is an inconsistency in how that individual feels.

Communication also requires actively listening to one another- not the simple "yes, uhuh" that we sometimes use to disguise our lack of attention- but, listening with a curiosity to come to know one another better; asking questions, instinctively, to dig deeper and learn from what a person is truly saying rather than what we think they are saying.

3. Don't let the search for the "one" blind you from getting to know your partner.

I can not express how many years it took me to realize that there is not just one person out there who is compatible for me. In fact, there are many people who are compatible for me, especially considering that life is always changing moment by moment. Perhaps in one moment of time, I am most compatible for one person, and perhaps later, it will be with someone else. In that moment of time where I am with those individuals, however, they are the "one". I feel like my past self's tendency to search for that "one" person who would fit all of my expectations and desires and be with me for the rest of my life only narrowed my ability to appreciate the "one" I was with in the current moment; The desired aspects and traits I felt "the one" would have would blind me to experiencing the person for who they actually are rather than who I think they are based off of their characteristics. Letting go of this idea helps me to appreciate who a person is in the moment and come to recognize and explore who they truly are rather than worrying if they are fit to be with me for the rest of my life. I trust that if I am meant to be with someone for a long period of time, it will happen; and if it doesn't, it doesn't mean I didn't experience true love with all of those other people I've been with in the past.

4. Trust your gut.

Sometimes, my feelings are manifested physiologically more than they are psychologically. For example, in the past, I've found myself being super excited around some individuals. After a certain amount of time with being with them, I've realized

I can't quite calm down. Perhaps my body's tension and inability to relax was a way of communicating to me that I was not yet comfortable with that person.

Additionally, in some relationships I've had in the past, I've tried to re-guide my thinking, telling myself that my feelings were unjustified and that I was overthinking small unrelated events. Looking back at those moments, I realize my emotions were very valid. If I feel a certain way, I need to be honest and express that I feel that way, rather than invalidating it. It seems in more cases than not, my feelings have had their merits in predicting when something wasn't quite right.

5. It is essential to take care of yourself first.

I can not stress the importance of this idea enough. Growing up, my dad always told me to take care of myself first, then my family, and then my community. I can tell you from what I've been through, that this idea has held itself to be self-evident in my life.

If I can't manage to take care of myself, how is it that I can truly take care of others?

I have this tendency to become very attached and dependent in relationships to the point where I become susceptible to the classic situation of looking at red flags with rose-tinted glasses, which leads to ignoring problems and more painful break-ups. I have to admit, I myself have been in many situations where I've unintentionally been trying to fill a gap within me. I've been in situations where I generally don't want to recognize those red-flags so I choose to put on the rose-tinted glasses to avoid conflict and pain, pretending that my eye-sight is just really bad. Looking back, many of those situations resulted because I hadn't yet felt comfortable with myself. How is it that I can expect to take care and uplift someone else, when I still have gaping wounds within me? Neglecting to develop my own comfort and understanding of myself has led to situations where I've invalidated my own personal feelings, and have developed unhealthy dependencies on my partner where I feared they would "run away" from me.

Honesty is incredibly important.

It is okay to not be ready to be in a relationship. It is okay to feel a certain way with someone, and not act on it. It is okay to experience pain and tension in breakups. Loneliness isn't always bad. For me, personally, I'd much rather know loneliness and let that guide me to want to be with others out of love, rather than being with someone for the mere purpose of numbing loneliness. I'd much rather practice loving and caring for myself first so I can do that authentically love and care for someone else. I want to be comfortable with myself and know that I am with a person for them and not for the idea of them, and I think that is something that comes with taking care of myself first.