From down the road, I can still hear the shouts and laughter and chanting. It’s Bid Day, but as of two minutes ago, I had ceased to be a PNM. When I looked down at my bid, it was all wrong. The name was fuzzy, the letters jumbled in a combination I didn’t expect. The shock registered for about five seconds, then came the tears. I was angry at myself for crying, thinking it was so typical of me to cry when there were so many more important things to cry about.

The walk back to my dorm was interrupted by the din of those who didn’t have anything to cry about. The new pledge class of the sorority I had been hoping to join looked just like me—I felt that I could rush over to them and blend in with their jubilation and no one would know the difference. But in that moment—me and them, they and me—we were so incredibly different. They were accepted, I wasn’t. They were facing three and a half more years of new connections and friendships, I wasn’t. But it is really all that simple?

On Preference Night, I couldn't have imagined the outcome on the morning of Bid Day. The conversations were easy, and I was so hopeful in the late hours of that night, knowing that I had truly found a place where I belonged. Isn’t that what we are all hoping for? A place that will care for you when you can’t care for yourself? Girls that you can cry to one day and hysterically laugh with the next. Girls that give you boy advice and get you out of the house when you need distraction. Girls that are your sisters—because isn’t that such a loaded word? I’ve never had a sister (I suppose I may never have any), but they are certainly one step up from friend.

When I ranked the sororities, I was so sure that I was going to get into my top choice. My second choice and I weren't right for each other, but through the guaranteed bid system at Tufts I still received a bid from them. This system did make sure I would be a part of Greek life, but receiving a bid from a house I didn't vibe with was not the end result I wanted. This led to a lot of thought on my part, and I soon realized there was a silver lining: maybe I'm not ready. There is a reason that I wasn't posing for pictures with my new house's Greek letters, smiling with my new sisters. There is a reason I didn't get a bid from the house I wanted.

I don't think that people should accept their bids if they don't feel comfortable or ready, and I don't regret my decision. It is better to be true to yourself than mold yourself to fit a sorority that you don't mesh with. If I want to rush again next year, I will rush again...but this time with a better mindset. I'll try to enjoy the experience and give other houses a chance. I now realize that my decision to reject the bid I did receive was not due to being cut from my top choice, but because I haven't figured myself out yet. What do I want out of a sorority, if I do decide to rush again? I think I may need a year to figure it out. Three days of rush just wasn't enough time.

I shouldn't have entered rush with only one house in mind, and so when I didn't receive a bid from them it seemed like the world was ending. However, the world keeps on turning and moving forward, and I will too.