I hate the word “virginity.” I hate it in all its variations.

I hate how it implies this idea of “purity,” and how it imposes this identity, like “virgin” is something you are and “virginity” is something you have and therefore have a risk of losing. It’s a dated, sexist term, once used to sell women — geishas, young girls in arranged marriages equipped with dowries back in the day, etc. But, all these things still exist and contribute to what “virginity” implies, and vice versa. Such social systems of power display the usual power imbalance of a younger female and an older male, and, if we want to take it a step further, a “foreign” female and a white male.

But “virginity” is not just problematic from a feminist perspective; it’s an issue for men, too. For a male to be a virgin is somehow difficult to confront personally, and at a certain age, it becomes especially a point of shock when a boy confesses he’s a virgin — as if it’s something to confess at all. It shouldn’t be. So you’ve had sex, or you haven’t. Simple as that. (By the way, “breaking the hymen” isn’t even necessarily a thing, and it’s not really supposed to happen, so from a biological standpoint, virginity does not exist.)

When “virginity” is allowed to continue to flourish, there runs the risk that it will become a defining point in one’s identity. It implies that there is something to keep and save, regardless of individual views on sex, and with it comes a clusterf*ck of other characteristic assumptions. Think about this: Asking “are you a virgin?” and similarly responding “I am a virgin” or “I am not a virgin” seems to place that term in the space of an identity.

Are you 17 and no longer a “virgin”? You’re normal; you could a bit of a slut, or maybe you’re just in a long-term relationship, or just a regular high school upperclassman doing life. Are you over 20 and still a “virgin”? Dude. What’s wrong with you? And like, how?

For several years, throughout high school and college, I thought a lot about what this meant to me. How much does it say about all my other personal characteristics if I’m a “virgin” or if I’m not? Virginity comes with this idea that it will completely change you — it imposes this idea on you, growing up, that it’s this huge deal. But how much does it have to do with post-individuality, really? Whether or not I’ve had sex at whatever point in my life can objectively reveal nothing; all it really can reveal is how I view sex — and sometimes not even then. In fact, my status as someone who has or has not had sex may be far more indicative of merely my circumstances growing up than of anything else.

Of course there is a “first time” for everyone, but it should be according to individual standards. If you “break” your hymen riding a bike, that shouldn’t be the time you lost your virginity. If the first time to you doesn’t necessarily involve penetration (what a word), then no one out there should have the right to tell you it has to.

Virginity certainly can be deeply rooted in upbringings and religious backgrounds, to say the least; and it is your choice if you want to continue to believe in the idea that virginity somehow translates to purity. But I think that, as a community, as a society, it’s not productive to continue imposing a general idea of virginity — because I just don’t think it makes sense, or fits in the world we live in anymore.