I'm not the type to tell people very personal things about myself. I was watching "Parks and Recreation" the other day (something I do probably too often as I've seen every episode multiple times), and it was the episode where Andy tells Ron a list of secrets that are all hilarious and random and, well, Andy. And I've come to realize that I have a lot of random, hilarious secrets myself that I haven't told many people. And instead of just telling someone in person, my next rational thought was to put it into an article and publish it for the world to see. So here it goes:
1. When I was in first grade, I got to take care of the class gerbils for a weekend, which was a big deal for me because I had never had any pets before, excluding fish because they're fish. So I was excited, to say the least. I don't know why at the time, but I thought it was fun to hold them by their tails upside down and watch them "fight" each other (now I know that it wasn't so much them "fighting" as them "clinging on to each other and hoping that the dumb giant holding them upside down would let them go"). When I was holding them upside down one time (yeah, it was more than one time -- I was 6, okay?), the fur from one of their tails slid off and gross gerbil tail blood got all over my hand. I'm still traumatized. But after I washed my hands multiple times, I couldn't confess to my parents that I de-furred one of the gerbils, so once they noticed that a gerbil had a now-naked tail that had remnants of blood on it, I told them that the other gerbil did it. I still feel bad for blaming the gerbil. Sorry, PETA.
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2. I cannot do mental math. At all. I tell people I'm bad at math, but I don't think anyone knows how bad at math I really am. Unless I have a calculator or a pencil and paper to write it out, I cannot do most math calculations in my head. Even if it's "easy" by definition. Like 64 minus 29. No idea. Give me a minute while I coyly pull out my phone calculator.
3. I didn't learn to ride a bike until I was embarrassingly old -- so old that my mom forced my dad to teach me because all the kids in my grade already knew how to ride a bike and I didn't. And I learned, surprisingly quickly. However, I don't know how to turn left still. I have to physically get off the bike to do it. I'm literally Derek Zoolander on a bike.
4. I say I don't like football, but that's because I know basically nothing about football. Basketball? All about it. Football? I have about a 20 percent understanding of what's going on.
5. One time I stole a mini notebook from Claire's when I was little, but I was definitely old enough to know that stealing was wrong. And no one noticed, not even my mom or sister, who were with me at the time. I still take a little pride in my ninja moment.
6. Some people know about this, but not many: I am terrified of butterflies. Not drawings or cartoon versions. Like an actual picture of a butterfly. Especially the ones with the owl eyes on their wings. Ugh. Just thinking about them gives me goosebumps.
7. I am (technically) no longer a teenager, and I still have no idea how to cook. The list of things I can actually make range from scrambled eggs to reheating takeout, and that's pretty much it. I have, like, five food-related Pinterest boards that will never get any action.
8. Not long after I got my license, I drove my car up our driveway (our house is on a steep hill), and when I went to park it, it rolled down the driveway backwards, with me in it. I was screaming bloody murder the whole time, trying to brake and make it stop. It rolled out of the driveway, across the road and into our neighbor's once-perfectly manicured lawn, which caused it to stop. I then realized that I had forgotten to put it in park before turning off the ignition, but continually blamed it on the car when I went to tell my parents what had happened. It really was because I was an idiot.
9. Following the driveway incident a few months later, I was backing out of a friend's driveway and hit their neighbor's mailbox. Apparently, it was loud, and the neighbor came out of his house, yelling at me in Spanish. Still in shock and having no idea what to tell him, I replied with "Uh...sorry," and drove away.
10. If my hair is hidden by a headband or a hat or just up, it probably means that I have not washed my hair in days. As in more than two. As in -- that's f***ing gross. According to hair people, you're supposed to do it, but it doesn't make it any less gross. But laziness overrides hygienic needs for me, apparently. (I can't believe everyone's going to read about how gross I am. Please still like me).
In writing these secrets, I've learned that 1) I was a terrible child, 2) I was a terrible beginner driver, and 3) that they weren't as bad as I had previously thought. I guess that's how a lot of secrets are to people: they sound worse in your head because you find them embarrassing. While some of mine are still embarrassing, they're funny, to me at least, and I have no reason to feel ashamed for them. Everyone's allowed to have embarrassing secrets -- I may have just put 10 out into the world, but the thousand others? I'm taking those to the grave.
Here is the the beautiful scene in which Andy tells Ron his deepest, darkest secrets, arguably one of the best "Parks" scenes ever.
