When I was younger, I wanted to be a judge. I loved the idea of listening to both sides of a story, taking in all the evidence, and deciding from there who was right and who was wrong. My friends and family had always thought I'd be good at this because of a time when I was about 8, and my friends got into a fight. I immediately spoke to both of them separately and allowed them to tell me their side. I listened. I made the decision that both were in the wrong somehow, that they had both contributed to the fight, and had them make amends to each other.
I did that my whole life.
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Listening to arguments and being a mediator has been my calling. I was always the one who understands both sides and helps them understand each other.
When I got older, I started to learn about politics.
I learned that in politics, there really isn't a "right" side or "wrong" side. There's a right or a left side. Because, you see, no matter which side you're on, you believe what you're doing is the right thing.
My goal at the beginning of my lessons on politics was to stay neutral. Neutrality is agreeable, everyone likes the person who can stay moderate on things and communicate with both sides equally to find a solution. After all, being neutral is something I prided myself on.
I looked down on people who so viciously fought for their side. They weren't going to get anywhere with that attitude, I thought.
I remained neutral until I couldn't.
I can't.
I spent the past year juggling being neutral and being passionate, and it's been a real struggle. I stay quiet during arguments. I re-post a risky article every once in a while, and I stress every time. I worry for the coming comments.
But I'm tired.
I'm tired of tragedy after tragedy going by and spending my time trying (I emphasize "trying") to remain neutral on them.
I've stayed silent so long, I almost forget what my voice sounds like.
I am passionate and tired at the same time. I'm sick of story after story coming through, each becoming less and less surprising.
I have become desensitized to tragedy.
When the first headlines about the Orlando shooting that happened almost 2 weeks ago came across my phone, my first thought was just one word: again?
Again
Again
That is all I thought?
I was horrified, of course, but my first reaction to the biggest mass shooting in modern U.S. history should not, in any way, have been "again?"
But it was.
I can't be neutral, anymore. I can't. There are people dying, being murdered and I'm more worried about not angering any Republicans on my feed. That is not what I should be worrying about.
I'm no longer staying silent. I'm no longer keeping my mouth shut. I have as much a right to speak out about what I believe in as the guy at my work who champions Trump on a daily basis. If he gets to spread his ignorance opinion and not worry about the consequences, not worry if he's going to make someone mad, then neither should I.
I will speak out about what I think is right, I will use my voice and you know what? It's going to be uncomfortable and awkward.
Good.
It means I'm growing, and growing requires a little discomfort.
