I'm a lot of things. I'm a White Sox fan. I'm a daughter. I'm a Cancer. I'm a sarcastic comment. I'm a blonde. I'm mentally 7 and 30 at the same time. Something I'm not: sorry.
Amy Poehler once said, "It takes years as a woman to unlearn what you have been taught to be sorry for." Now, I'm not just quoting her because I think she's the definition of perfection; I'm quoting her because I don't think I could say it better myself. Maybe I've just never noticed or encountered it, but the humans who apologize for *almost* bumping into you, or who apologize for taking an extra 15 seconds with their wallet after a purchase, or who apologize for...well....existing are overwhelmingly female. And by overwhelmingly female, I mean I've never met a man who apologizes for simply being alive as much as any female does.
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I'm not saying I've never heard a man apologize because I have. However, there is always an absolute and concrete reason for that apology. What I'm trying to make you understand is saying that some women apologize for taking up space, and we're so terrified of possibly offending someone that we make sure we have all of our bases covered. Raise your hand if you've ever personally been victimized by Regina George been told to stop apologizing and then apologized for apologizing too much.
Despite what every single free response test I've taken since second grade would like me to believe, "no" is a complete answer that can stand alone. "No is a complete sentence. It doesn't require justification or explanation." I'm not quite sure who said it first, but I'm pretty sure I heard it from Oprah Winfrey. (I say this like Oprah and I are IM buddies and that she said this to me personally after some life venting.) I think it's something that basically everyone needs hear. And more than once. My government teacher in high school told us that you need to hear something you don't believe eight times before you believe it. (To this day, I believe he is indeed the coolest man ever.)
I guess I've heard this more than eight times because I didn't believe that "no" was a full sentence or a response at first. I thought that was rude. But that doesn't make any sense because I don't really need to explain myself to anyone besides God and Standards. Below is an abridged list of questions you're allowed to answer with "No" (or "I don't know") and offer zero explanation:
- Can I borrow this top?
- Do you know what you want to major in?
- When will you want to talk about your ex-boyfriend?
- Can I have your last piece of gum?
- Will you give me a ride?
- Can we move the meeting back fifteen minutes?
- Can I have a sip of your water?
- I slept through class, did you take notes?
- Want to split an Uber?
- Can you make sure I don't drink too much tonight?
- Do you have any meal plan?
- Could you be out of the apartment from 8 a.m. – 8 p.m. tomorrow?
- Will you not drink tonight so I can?
- If I promise to do the assignment for Thursday, would you do Tuesday and share?
- Do you have time to proofread my paper? It's due tomorrow.
- Can you give me his number?
- Do you have time to help me study for my oral exams in Spanish?
- Will you go to 6 a.m. spin with me tomorrow? N e v e r .
