To all those I’ve ghosted,
Friends, I am truly sorry. First of all, I am sorry to the dear friend who was essentially my sister for almost a decade. From the time we were in fourth grade, I admired you. I envied your super cool blonde highlights, and you were the one who got me into wearing arm socks. I’ll never forget the first time you came over and we baked banana bread and walked around my neighborhood like two little goofballs. Who would have thought our friendship would have made it all the way into senior year of high school? I wish it could have lasted forever.
I am sorry that I stopped replying to your texts. I am sorry that I canceled our sleepovers, or made excuses to stop hanging out. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to be around you. Rather, it was because I didn’t want to be around myself, let alone the people I cared about. Senior year was rough. We applied to colleges, you got a steady boyfriend, and I was trying to figure out where I fit in at school, and within our friendship. You were, and are, a lovely and beautiful human. I just didn’t think I was worth your while anymore. That’s the funny thing about having an anxiety disorder. You tell yourself stories and create these truths in your head that are total crap. If you’re out there and ever read this, please know I think of you with a smile and send you all my love.
Dates, when I say it’s not you, it’s me -- I seriously mean it. There was nothing wrong with your texts. It was adorable that you called me goodnight. And that kiss after our first lunch together? Every second was sweet, like honey. But the amount of times you called me beautiful made me uncomfortable. Am I beautiful? How so? Why is it so easy for you to call me beautiful and not appreciate my quiet nature, or humanitarianism? Is it just the makeup and mint gum that appeals to you? What if I broke out and didn’t wash my hair for a few days?
Trust me, I’ve looked like that before and no one in their right mind could, or should,call me beautiful. Again, it’s this inner demon of anxiety that calls to me, telling me I am not worthy of your showers of compliments or honey sweet kisses. That’s the reason why I slowly stopped responding to your messages, made excuses to cancel our dates, and eventually blocked you from my phone. I just didn’t want to think that there was someone out there who was worth going bananas over me.
Family, I’m sorry Uncle Tom, that I’ve drifted away. You know I’m so happy in college, and that I learned a lot. I’ve been exposed to philosophies, ideas, and people that open my mind and truly let me see the world in a new light. I know you work hard at your store, staying there until the wee hours of the morning to finish achieving perfection. But so do I. For me, everything is for a higher purpose. Helping others, having solid grades, and doing the best I can in everything I do -- it is for something bigger than myself.
On the other hand, you are grounded more in reality. You do your work not only because you love it, but because you have to do it in order to survive. You know the value of a dollar, a value I am still too naïve to truly appreciate. Sometimes when we talk, our conversations disconnect. You want what is best for me and make an effort to show it.
I misunderstand where you’re coming from, and I get angry. I miss when our conversations were more simple and fun and just about town gossip and hilarious stories about your childhood antics. So if you’re wondering why I am not at your store as much or don’t call you on the phone as often, it’s because I am working out our ever-growing relationship. You’re like a father to me and have always been there during the darkest of times. I just need some time to figure out how I can equally be there for you.
To all friends, dates, and family out there who feel as if they are being “ghosted” by a loved one, don’t give up on them. It is not because they hate you or do not want to see you. We ghosters are just trying to figure out ourselves without hurting others in the process. We don’t want to suck you into our whirlpools of self-doubt and anxiety. We simply want to be loved and supported by you -- but from afar. I promise, we won’t be gone for long.
