Winds blowing and leaves falling – it’s November. Six weeks to winter break – almost the end of the semester. But I feel like the semester began not long ago, like a week before. The memory of me kissing goodbye my family and leaving for the States is still fresh and vivid. And I remember clearly, how reluctant I felt to start this semester and how uncomfortable I was about the new things I expected to encounter on my way, even if I appeared to be an experienced old driver when I met with the new faces on campus.

I know deep down in my heart that there’s so much I still don’t know, awaiting me to explore. But the good news is, there are harbors where I can always retreat to and recharge myself, whether it be a loving friend and a caring faculty, or my family who love me the deepest and my own rich inner world, while I continue the journey of my own.

There are some difficulties I have been going through lately. While some of them are new problems, e.g. communication, some of them are “old friends” to me, e.g. time management. After some talks with different people and reflection on my own, I felt I am in charge of my life again. Compared to the formerly “yes” person who always obeyed and compromised, this time I want to be true to myself AND make others comfortable, without having to give in to one way or another.

1. Keep promises. Be a role model.

People who have been around me for quite a while know that I am actually not as busy as I look, but rather, have some trouble making and keeping up with plans – planning everything exactly to the hour is just too much for a freestyle person like me. Just as sincere as I am to make and take invitations at this moment, I am as guilty to have to turn things down simply because I feel overloaded in the moment after. Some blame and distant me for being unreliable, some understand yet disapprove, and some get used to it and do the same to me.

At first, I wasn’t aware of the consequences, because some people still wanted to hang out with me. But as time went by, I lost some important friends along the way – we “suddenly” lost contact and stopped hanging out. But when I looked back, I realized that I had not noticed the signals they sent to me before the relationships completely broke up. It’s much harder to get back in touch than to keep in touch, and even you really get back in touch and have a good time together, the good scene only lasts for a while before things don’t work out. People change a LOT when you are not in touch with them, and it will take so much effort on both sides to get back to point zero and build up the blocks again.

So, try your best to keep them if they really matter to you – a regular check-in, a hug, a greeting, a coffee chat, etc. will do it, depending on what level of relationship you are in. I know “people come and go”, but that’s said after you HAVE tried, don’t give up before you even try. Fix the problems asap before they get worse and worse and finally to the point of no-return. If you DO have tried but lost them eventually, then you should not feel bad about it – at least you have some good memories together that will warm up the cold days when you recall. In short, treat them better when they are still around, try your best to keep them, but let go and move on when you can’t win against the odds.

To the important ones in my life: Thank you very much for being around, or use to be around. From now on, I will NOT make promises that I am not certain, cause that will make you a bit happier now and disappoint you much more afterward, and I will DO whatever I am held accountable to. So, next time when I want to “flake” and flee from responsibilities, I will remind myself of the ways you have always treated me that truly deserve the same level of returns and that you are so important that I could not risk losing you.

2. Be busy for a week, and be chilled for the next one.

Yes, time-management is that old friend of mine since middle school. Due to my negligence of the necessity of time-management, I tended to use my memory and intuition for accomplishing tasks, which hadn’t really raised big issues until high school, when task variety and complexity began to rise. On one hand, I have always been the “good student” in the eyes of teachers, students and parents, and to keep up with standards, I worked myself days and nights like an ascetic.

On the other hand, I have always been curious about the different parts of world and talented people out there, so I committed myself to several clubs and different opportunities to find out more. The ideal student life in my eye is being a straight-A student, an excellent leader of teams, and a socially responsible citizen. I tried not to let everyone down, and gain recognition, respect, and love from everyone, which is so important to my purpose as a person.

But the reality? It did not work out as perfectly as I thought. I was either a straight-A student with some kind of nerdy feel or a cool (weird), fashion-loving, dreaming-big girl who “doesn't apply herself to studying” (according to one of my classmates) – almost like two distinct personalities. Even the students in my school were separated into two distinct groups – the good students and geeks vs. the social kings and queens, and I felt the pressure to pick one group to join, while I had friends from both “camps”.

The limitation of one’s lifetime doesn’t allow us to do many things at the same time, to have multiple jobs and positions, to live and experience different ways of life. I still remember the question I asked my mom when I was 6: is it possible for me to have different jobs, like being a doctor today, and a teacher tomorrow? She said yes. Looking back, it was a “silly” question with an “unrealistic” response, yet every one of us is so complicated, rich and creative inside that I cannot imagine one has to be a fixed identity all the time. The many sides of a person, of everything, are what make the world interesting and worth exploring.

The struggles flow into college life seamlessly. Whether I have chosen to study in China, or in the US, I need to face these conflicts, just like every other college student in any corner of the world. The triangle of college life, as they framed it, is work life, social life, and sleep. For me, there isn’t a perfect equation to balance these three components (or more), but I could not give up any of them, and I believe many, like me, have proven to themselves the practicality of having it all. To restate my previous point, everyone has different sides, just as life has so many different aspects. What’s the point of choosing a side? That you can only be an A and not a B, for all the time?

The solution to this continuous conflict, as I framed it, is: get pumped for a week, and get chilled for another. Okay, it doesn’t need to be exactly a week – just a way to describe the phase of ebb or flow; you get the idea. At first, the transition is somewhat painful and makes you question the necessity/possibility: Why should I go through all these hardships when I don’t have to? Perhaps it is better to stick with the old, comfortable way? Hang in there, for a little longer, if you can. Because as you do more, you get better at it, and you won’t get into self-doubt or cognitive dissonance again because you know all of these pieces constitute: you.

The “trick” behind the balance is dynamic equilibrium, a word that I borrow from biology and physics. Most of the things in our world seem unchanged, say a table, a chair, etc., but if you look closer, you will see the constantly moving molecules that exert millions of forces in all directions, which help maintain the balance of the table and disguise its changing nature. Theoretically, things can stay in static equilibrium; but in reality, everything changes, constantly, in such a “peaceful and sound” way that you may not even take notice and pay attention. And combined with my own experience of doing yoga, I have always found it harder to keep balance when holding my arms or legs in the air, but much easier when constantly but softly swinging or twisting. It’s just the law of nature that the world changes in every second, and as part of it, we technically could not stay out of the changes, and we don’t have to because, in the long run, they are good for us.

3. Read, think, and craft your own mind “network”.

For a while, I have “hated” the required reading materials our professors assigned to us. I frown and say to myself: If they weren’t discussed in class and covered in tests, I would not force myself to read these boring texts. But as the semester progresses, while I do not necessarily like them better, I do subsequently change my initial assumptions about their usefulness. As I read and read more, I begin to find recurring patterns within the same course and the relations among different courses. Dots are being connected, and the bigger picture is getting clearer.

4. How to make cross-cultural communications more effectively?

Instead of a statement, I use a question for this section’s title, since I don’t have an answer yet. What I now realize more than before is, people are different, not just from the ways they look and live, but also the ways they think and act. I have known this for a long time but only had such a realization recently, because something did not work out in one of my team projects. Since I was brought up in a culture that people love to sit together to collaborate and take responsibilities for teamwork, even it is not assigned to a specific person, I was expecting it to automatically happen on my team, but only to get disappointed in the first time, then the second… I didn't want to make easy and quick assumptions that they are not responsible or reliable people, without knowing them well in personal life. However, I could not find good reasons for their non-cooperation, if they don’t tell me what is going on.

My friend reminded me that people are probably just being result-oriented, and there’s no reason why they should be against me personally since I am being nice the whole time. So, the only explanation I can think of is that people buy different ideas because people value things differently. Apparently, my sense of importance or liking of this class in general, or this team project in particular, might not be in the same way as how others perceive, which is pretty normal. As long as we could get things done at the end of the day, the minor conflicts and detours no longer matter. Don't let the small bumps and puddles on the road to distract your attention or even diverge you from the primary goal. Focus on the big picture. And don’t get too personal.