College, I was told, was when I would find myself. I'm only a freshman, but this concept is already frustrating me.

I've found I cannot always commit to being absolutely true to myself. I find myself still cowering at the idea of public speaking sometimes, still unsure of myself and still kicking myself for that one awkward moment I had three weeks ago. I still find myself keeping my mouth shut because I'm afraid I'll say something stupid or not letting my weirdness go free because I'm afraid of what people will think. I'm still too concerned about other people and I don't want to be.I know

In high school, I got much too comfortable being a big fish in a small pond. Now I'm in college, a tiny fish in a pond where I find myself constantly getting lost.

I will be honest: I have a pretty decent sense of who I am. It's not complete, but I know that when I want to say something and hold myself back because I'm paranoid about other peoples' opinions, that I am not committing to myself. For me, the concept of "finding myself" has become refining myself. I know who I want to be. I want to be totally, unapologetically myself. I want to stop being so damn paranoid of what other people will think of me, and I want to be outspoken all the time, not just after I've felt out a room and got comfortable in my environment. I've tried telling myself over and over again that I am a strong independent woman who don't need no man, but still find my tongue tied when I try talking to a cute guy, which is ridiculous.

I know I have the potential to be a very visible, strong leader. I know I have the potential to be a strong, independent woman that is scared of nothing and no one but God. But it's going to take time to get there.

My goal? To leave college committed to myself. It'll probably take the entirety of these next 3.5 years- but so be it.