When we women are young, we have this preconceived notion of what our lives are supposed to look like when we grow up. Our innocent minds never take into consideration the many different routes our lives can take us, leaving us feeling confused, abandoned, and left to whither away at our own expense. I always dreamed of getting my college degree, meeting the man of my dreams, having a beautiful wedding with my new loving and devoted husband, finding our dream home, discovering marriage, having our first child, and raising a family of our own and growing old together (and in that perfect order). While all of this seems wonderful, and a postcard right out of a Hallmark movie - my life took a turn in a way that I never could have imagined.

I have always been the kind of girl who loved too hard, cared too much, and guarded my heart much too seldom. I never understood what it was like to be carefree, or lack the emotions it takes to lead you to a being of vulnerability and a sense of loss. I always let the small things bother me, let the big things ruin me, and let the slightest relationships break my heart. It is just the way I have always been, and I have never discovered a way to live astray from my where my heart lay, no matter how badly I wanted to.

When I was eighteen, I moved away to college to start my life in which I had planned and dreamed of for as long as I could remember. I was on the road to being an English teacher, another lifelong goal of mine, and on the road to success. I was on the dean's list, had a great job near my school, made many friends along with a very best friend, moved into an apartment, I was learning so much about who I knew I wanted to be – then came a boy. My junior year of college I came home for Winter break and unexpectedly rekindled a friendship with a guy I had went to high school with and known a huge chunk of my life. We hung out a few times, had a few (illegal) drinks, went to eat a few times, and did not slow down for five minutes. I never, ever would have expected to fall so in love with this person I had known since I was fourteen, in such a short period of time.

This guy and I really enjoyed life together. I let my hair down for once, I enjoyed going places I had never been before, I enjoyed the laughter he gave and the smiles he caused me. It was enlightening, it was exhilarating, it was new and it was so, so much fun. I put school on the backburner, I put my family on the burner next to it, and completely let my heart run wild for a couple of months with this boy I did not even know. It was the best time of my life, he was so important to me, he made me feel alive again, and he made me feel important. He never once put me down, he never once said a negative word toward me, he never once made me feel inferior, he took care of me, and I was so sure this guy loved me and he was all that mattered. Sure, I had felt as if I was in ‘love’ before, many of times. I had plenty of crushes, fun dates, and lovely guys pay me attention, but never like this one. This was something I had never felt before, and I loved it. It was addicting, like a drug.

Things kept getting better and better, and I was sure this relationship was going to last forever and this was the guy for me. I had found the one, I was in love, and I had never been so sure of anything else in my entire life. Everything was butterflies, roses and nothing shy of perfect until one day my entire world came crashing down. I never knew that one little trip to the bathroom would cause me such heartache, and flip my life in a way I never even knew it could be flipped.

When I saw the two lines pop up as clear as day on that little white stick, I knew my life would never be the same. I will never, ever forget that stick. I knew that something had just happened that I could not reverse, I could not change, and I could not go back. As I looked at my boyfriend, whom I was so crazy over, fast asleep in my apartment, I just felt a rush of disappointment and at a complete loss for words. I made a few phone calls, got myself to stop crying and get it together as best I could before he woke up. I had to tell him, I had to.

I ended up waking him myself, repeating in my head a million times “say it”, before finally catapulting a bomb on this boy he never knew even existed. I threw him the test, let him look for himself, and I will never forget the pale color his face quickly turned, and the pure and undeniable sadness that crept across the face I was so madly in love with. I had never felt so confused, overwhelmed and distraught in my entire life.

He explained to me over and over that he could not have a kid right now, he was too young, and it was not something he wanted. As scared as I was, I was trying to push away the nightmare that kept creeping in my mind that I might end up doing this alone. Surely he would not do this to me, surely he would not leave me, and he loved me right?

We rode back to my hometown from my college apartment that night and spent the weekend together, a very dreaded, sad weekend together. A weekend full of horrific discussions fights and tears. He still told me he cared, he still treated me with respect, and he still acted as though he was there to stay - for a little bit, anyways. We talked, hung out with his friends, tried to avoid to situation as best we could until I had to go back to school on Monday – two hours away. I headed back to school early Monday morning, and it was surely a long drive with my rushing thoughts never ceasing the entire way there.

I got settled back into school as best I could, still texting and talking to my boyfriend throughout the week. Although, it was a much different type of conversation, it was a little more standoffish and a lot more distant. I figured he needed some time to let this process, as did I. I stopped hearing from him toward the end of the week, until I got the most upsetting phone call I have ever received. The man of my dreams told me he could not be with me if I so did choose to keep our baby, and that if I chose to do so, he would no longer be in the picture. It is unimaginable the pain I felt in that moment, it was a pain I never thought I would get over. It was a moment in time that I thought would never pass.

But it did. With this being months in my past, I have completely rediscovered life, and I have rediscovered how important it is to find solace in whom God says we are, not whom others say we are. This has most certainly been the most trying time in my life so far, and I am still so young with much more trials and tribulations to come. What this guy does not know is that I am so thankful for what he has done now. I am so forgiving, happy, and grateful for all that has happened to me in the last eight or nine months. I moved back home from Western, and got an apartment and started commuting to another University close by to finish my degree, and am planning my future one-day at a time as a single mother, and it has been such an adventure. Do not get me wrong, I have days where I do not want to get out of bed, I have days where I ask myself if I am sure I can do this, I have days where I do nothing but cry all day, but with God’s lending hand and the existence of this little boy in my stomach, I never give up and I never stop going.

This situation has tried my faith, has tried my trust in myself and most importantly, in God. I could not figure out why God would let something like this happen to me, how could this guy leave me, how could someone I thought loved me so much just disappear like that and leave me in a dark deserted corner all by myself? What I did not realize is that what I felt toward that guy was not love at all, God is love and God created me a warrior. God created me to be a woman that fights for what is right, does not need human flesh on this Earth to validate her existence, yet a woman who relies on God to provide for her in any way she may need throughout her short time on this planet. I have slowly but surely realized who God says I am, and I probably never would have found that, if it wasn’t for the ‘love of my life’ leaving me.

God created me with special gifts and talents to share with the world in order to glorify Him, the Creator of the Universe. I am one of a kind, and no one will ever be like me. I am the cream of the crop, His jewel, His treasure, His beautiful butterfly, His Magnum Opus-His greatest piece of art – and that is something that can never be taken from me. I also never knew how important it was to cherish the people in your life who are long-term, the people in your life who truly love you and cherish who you no matter how hard times get – the people who will never leave you - and pretty importantly, how you should always listen to your mom for she has always been truly right, about everything, every time, the entire time…

I view life now in a completely different way. I do not blame the guy who got me pregnant, I do not hate him, I am not mad at him, and I do not wish evil things upon him, I simply just do not know him. It was a lapse in judgment for me when I thought I was in love from a quick romance that was actually nothing but a fun time. It is not his fault, it is his choice, I am forgiving and I am not bitter toward anyone involved. I fell in love with the idea of a man who did not even exist, I fell in love with a person who was standing in front of me but was not really there. I put expectations into an empty vessel - and all of those things are on me, and they are part of my journey and learning experience, not his.

All the ultrasounds, the times I have spent with my mom talking about baby names, baby ideas, and the life I have ahead of me, I have learned to appreciate the fact that God changes our routes in life. Nothing we ever expect to happen will happen, all we can do is pray for God’s will, keep our hearts open, and never ever give up no matter what is thrown at us. Another important thing for us women to remember is, what people say about us does not matter at all. It is as useful as a car with no gas; it is as good as a promise never kept - like waiting for rain in a drought – useless and disappointing.

Did I expect to be pregnant with my first child, single, and at twenty-one years old? Of course not, but God has had my life planned out since before I was knitted in my mothers womb, and his will is much more reliable than mine ever thought about being. I have also learned as I have gotten older and experienced this unexpected turn in my life is that every action does not need a reaction. It is best to let almost all things that happen to you in a negative manor go. Let it go. It does not matter. Pray about it and let God fight your battles, and defeat your enemies for you. “But the Lord is faithful, who will establish you and guard you from the evil one.” 2 Thessalonians 3:3.

I had forgotten how important it was to remain a strong independent woman who relies on only God to fight her battles, and focus on only the things she can control in her life. It is so important to understand that you can never put your trust and your faith in others, because they will ultimately always fail us, and you certainly cannot change people. The only one who will never, ever fail us is the Lord and the only one who can truly change others or us is Jesus. It may seem cheesy, and it may seem cliché but it is so, so very true. When I realized I was going to be a single mother so young I felt so forsaken, and when I was at my lowest I finally realized that God would never forsake me or abandoned me, and boy is that relieving. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

The most intricate outcome of this entire situation is the fact that I have rediscovered who I am, I have rediscovered love, forgiveness and most importantly I have rediscovered life and it’s true purpose. As I sit here with just a few more weeks until my little boy takes his first breath into this world, the last thing I think about is my ex-boyfriend, or the pain he caused me when he left - instead I think about how wonderful it will be to be a mother, how important it is for me to show my son the love of the Lord, and guide him in a way that will prevent him from feeling so distraught and alone when life and other people fail him, like I did, I also think about how picky I will be about the people I allow into his life, because he deserves only the finest. I think about how quirky life is, and how change really is not that bad. I think about how strong the word love is and what it truly means, where it derives from and to never mistake it again, I think about how capable I am as a young woman of God and how no one can stand against me, I think about how beautiful I am despite what anyone says, I think about how important it is to forgive others, and how holding grudges is equivalent to swallowing poison, I look back on how far I have come, and how I made it through the worst of times, I think about how silly it is to rely on another person to ever make you happy, I think about how much I love my mother and my family who never stepped away from me, I think about how motherhood is a gift from God and no one person created is a mistake, I think about how God hand picked me to be this little boys mother, and I am so blessed, I also think about how in this moment, on my couch, with a big bubble belly and a glass of sweet tea, I am exactly where I never knew I was always supposed to be.