Before writing this, I searched for the word "fearless" in the Merriam-Webster dictionary. The definition is very short and concise with only four words: "not afraid; very brave." Of course, that's the technical definition when using it to describe a courageous act, but that definition isn't all that accurate, or at least to me it isn't.
If you know me at all, you know that Taylor Swift and her music has had a bit of an impact on my life. Despite all the controversy and drama around her recently, she does still have very wise lyrics and speeches. (Stick with me here. I swear this is all relevant.) In her album titled "Fearless," there's a short essay on what fearless means to her and the one thing I never understood was how she stated that being fearless to her meant having tons of fears, but living with them. Doesn't having fears, especially more than one, make you a fearful being?
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I've never considered myself fearless. I was always the shy, chubby kid who would rather focus on academics than strike up a conversation with someone. To some extent, I am still that chubby kid who now wants to start a conversation, but doesn't want to bother anyone. See? Even a small, insignificant thing like that still makes me fear the slightest bit of judgement or rejection. How could a person who lets even the smallest of fears interfere with life be fearless?
Two years ago, almost to the exact date, I started what is a long and interminable journey of redefining what I thought being fearless meant (the dictionary's definition) into what it actually means (Taylor's, and now my, definition). Without going into much detail, on September 15, 2014, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and to be honest, I felt extremely relieved when I left the hospital that day just to have answers. But relief is not the sole emotion the last two years have held. I know many others have it a lot worse and I'm thankful I can manage things for the most part, but that doesn't make what I've felt or still feel invalid. I've been filled with so many fears in the past two years, the main one being what if I get to a point where I just can't handle this anymore?
Within the last couple of months, the process of redefining this word has made me realize so much about not only the specific fears that I have, but fear we all have in a general sense. Being fearless IS in fact having fears. The thing is, no one is immune to fear. Fear isn't just for people who are sick or for people who are weak. Everyone deep down is afraid of something.
Everyone has something that makes them anxious or keeps them up at night. It's not about claiming you don't have fears. To me, that's not only lying, but it's being a coward who wants to be seen as a hero. Being fearless is about screaming at the top of your lungs to the world that you're living with fears and facing them every day. If you really think about it, what's more brave and courageous? Saying you're afraid of nothing and trying to hide your fears/insecurities beneath the surface or saying "These are the things I'm afraid of, but I'm going to confront them and face them head on because I'm capable of doing just that."
So, I'm taking (and keeping my fears along for the chaotic and unpredictable ride that we call life, and if you want my opinion, you should too. Fear keeps us grounded. Fear reminds us of the darkest of places, but it also reminds us that even on our best days we still have something to work on to be better than we were that day. Fear makes us alive and human. Most importantly, fear makes us fearless.
