Dermatillomania. I have never wanted to name it or admit it because that makes it real, and in some forms it scares me and even repulses me. But this habit of picking at and biting the skin around my cuticles and nail bed is exactly how I have coped and even hid from my anxiety for around a decade. It may seem like a small common action but it has been a marker over many years of what I’ve used as a mechanism for busying myself when things build up. I guess in a way I’m writing this in case someone wants to relate, but also as a point for myself to take note of why this habit has lasted and what my next steps can be.

It’s birth, of course, was an anxiety inducing time period of my life where I felt the need to preoccupy myself with something simple that I’d always have a chance to do to distract and strangely, to amuse myself. These are still the main components of why I do it: when thinking during a test, when standing alone or hanging out awkwardly in a group of people, and straight up when I get BORED.

These habits latch on to ones weakest moments and make it so that it’s more normal to keep them around. But, that doesn’t have to be the way. I’ve tried lots of tricks in the book, Band-Aids (they just eventually fall off), the nail varnish that tastes bad (I just pick it off), keep lotion on my hands (definitely works for a good while), and holding something else to fidget with (I eventually lose it). Even though I like to think of myself as a cleanly person, one positive thing is that I don’t even go there when I know my hands are dirty (after being in class or work all day). That is partly why I sometimes go through periods of time where my fingers and nails are looking FAB. For example, when I was living in Paris I rode the filthy metros a lot and that kept me from bringing my hands anyway near my mouth or from having any open wounds on my cuticles. (Although I did fall back on it when I almost missed a flight in London…STRESS.) Another key thing to notice here is that during my time abroad my mind was preoccupied with lots of positivity during this time too. My classes were fairly easy and all on subject matter I liked, I was busy most of the time, and I was living in the city of my dreams so I was super content with life. It’s not that I’m unhappy when I’m picking, I just happen to be in a situation where I’m more prone to nervousness, I’m stressed, or once again, bored.

What I can take from this is that preoccupying my mind with more positive things, channeling my true passions and desires, and embodying basic mindfulness can help me to stop for good. I can start to see that I don’t need to do this small little maneuver to overcome big exams, rough social situations, and any future missed trains or planes. I can cope in a way that doesn’t damage my skin and I can get help.