"I am utterly speechless" is the only thing I wrote in my journal upon finishing this bitterly sweet movie.

(italicized texts are my summary of the movie)

'The Cakemaker' tells a love story among three people – Thomas the young German baker, Oren a Jewish businessman, and Anat Oren's wife. The movie begins with Thomas and Oren falling in love at Thomas' pastry café in Berlin, and then started seeing each other once a month when Oren goes to Berlin for business. However, the couples most in love seem to always be the first targets for unexpected tragedy. Oren dies in a car accident. Thomas then decides to visit Oren's life in Jerusalem.

Thomas very quickly finds a heartbroken Anat and her recently opened Kosher café. He starts retracing Oren's footsteps – going to places he has gone to, because what else can you do when you lost a piece of your heart but has no one to share the pain with?

Thomas eventually acquires a dishwashing position at Anat's café, which then turns into a baker position when Anat realizes by chance that Thomas is a talented pastry baker. Conflicts soon rise up, as Anat's brother-in-law Motti finds out that the "non-Jewish German guy" is working in Anat's Kosher kitchen.

The scene in which Thomas makes his first batch of cookies since Oren's death was just delicious. I don't know how else to describe it. Thomas has been keeping a stone face so far – a face as gray as the ashes left when life itself was burnt down. Then, a tiny smile surfaces from the corner of Thomas' mouth, like a budding flower in the spring, as he starts knitting the dough. The smile twinkles like a star in the dark sky, as Thomas' cheeks quiver – as if he's forgotten how to smile. Slowly but surely, life trickles back into Thomas. I couldn't help but smile too.

Then, the next scene, Motti storms into the kitchen and demands Thomas to throw away the kitchen, because Thomas is not Jewish which makes the cookies and possibly the entire café "not Kosher!" Without a word, Thomas picks up the trays of cookies and starts dumping them into the trash. With the cookies, there goes the budding life that has just barely come back to Thomas. I put a hand on my chest as if trying to stop my heart from breaking.

Anat chooses to Thomas' pastries and, as a result, loses her Kosher certificate. But, she soon finds herself falling in love with Thomas.

The first kiss between Thomas and Anat was painful to watch. Anat, the petite and reserved Jewish woman, touches Thomas' hair and shoulders, leans on Thomas' chest, and reaches for his lips with her own, while Thomas, the broad-shouldered shy "German guy", backs himself all the way up into a corner. Somehow, the kiss (and more) still happens, no matter how right or wrong it is.

Please, I'm not saying that there exists a right or wrong in this situation. It's the feeling this kiss stirred up for me. I cannot tell if I want it to happen or not – the kiss feels as right as it does wrong. As the audience, I know that Thomas is not attracted to her. Not really, sexually.

This kiss with Anat, for Thomas, I imagine would feel like me kissing a girl. It just won't taste right. I admit that I wondered how it was even physically possible for Thomas to become physically intimate with Anat.

However, I've seen how Thomas and Anat have become fond of each other by this point. For Thomas, this is his way of secretly being closer to his dead lover. This is his way of loving Oren, his only way of mourning Oren, since he cannot share the secret with anyone. For Anat, Thomas is the branch that somehow catches her from a fall into the unmeasurably deep abyss of sadness. She clings to Thomas as the way to a new life. Their relationship is built on their shared love for Oren, whether they realize or not.

Because of the lack of mutual attraction between Thomas and Anat, the kiss feels wrong. However, can it really be so wrong if they are intimately connected by a shared love? If they both get what they desire from the kiss – Thomas getting intimate with Oren again and Anat moving on from Oren? I want the kiss to happen for Thomas and for Anat, although not for Thomas and Anat.

I feel that my heart is warmed and broken at the same time.

When Anat thinks she's once again in love, Thomas relives every moment he spent with Oren by being intimate with Anat. The moment Thomas seems to have successfully gotten away with hiding his past with Oren is the exact moment when Anat figures it all out – from the same handwriting shared by a recipe she found among Oren's belongings and a recipe Thomas writes down for her. Suddenly, she realizes that Thomas is the "someone" Oren decided to start a new life with in Berlin. Motti then shows up at Thomas' apartment with a one-way ticket to Germany that leaves in an hour. When Thomas refuses to leave, Motti slaps him in the face, several times, "She doesn't want to see you! Do you understand me?!" Thomas finally budges and cries a heartbreaking cry.

I couldn't help but wonder – was he crying because he has to leave Oren or Anat?

Three months later, Anat gets on a plane and finds Thomas' bakery in Berlin. From afar, she sees Thomas closing the bakery and leaving. Tears roll down her face, but she never utters a sound to get Thomas' attention.

'The Cakemaker' is the first LGBTQ movie I've ever seen, and I cannot ask for a better first experience.

Although the ending saddened me, I also could not ask for a better ending. It's not perfect because no reconciliation between Thomas and Anat was ever reached, even though they obviously care for and love each other deeply. Whether romantically or not. At the same time, how can it be more perfect than the two of them going back to their own life knowing someone out there shares their heartbreaks, regardless if they can talk about it over coffee or not?

It's the most perfect imperfect ending.

It left my heart a little chipped, but not broken.