“They say many of us only seem to find heaven by backing away from hell. And while the place that I have arrived at in my life may not be precisely everyone’s idea of heavenly, I could swear sometimes – if I am quiet enough – I can hear the angels sing. Either that or I have screwed up my medication.”

It is now approaching a year since the collapse of my 'past life'. I now feel like I am capable of looking back on the accomplishments I have made – thanks to the pain and betrayal I experienced.

Last March, I was admitted to a hospital due to self-destructive behaviors. I was grieving over a lost relationship and feeling hopeless. I am not proud at all about what occurred, but I became a much stronger person, with more independence. I proved to myself that I can survive.

Throughout the beginning of 2016, I was sinking into a very deep depression. My relationship was falling apart around me; I barely ate, spent most the day in bed (despite not being able to sleep), and my class attendance began to drop off.

During that time, I was let go from my “seasonal employment" despite being told during the hiring process I would remain on the staff after the holiday season. I was distraught about this. Huntsville, Texas is extremely difficult to find work in.

I began to feel inadequate. I no longer was able to contribute financially and to assuage my guilt for this, I agreed to co-buy a car with my ex on my credit, as well as loaning her my financial aid funds.

The ultimate feeling of betrayal was finding out that I was no longer useful once the car was bought. I had nothing more to offer her and my depression was no longer going to be tolerated.

I returned home to my Paka’s house and started over. l started with hospitalization, but it ultimately led to me graduating, maintaining a job long-term, taking on a new additional job, and dramatically re-building relationships with estranged loved ones.

Without Paka, my life would have been almost impossible to put back together. My aunt, uncle, and Paka guided me through what they could and offered me financial and life advice (while also providing me refuge). I thank them.

Seeing my loved ones, Judy and Kim, also brought me joy as we grew closer. They made me feel more valuable. Judy held me as I cried before leaving for the hospital.

Initially, post-discharge days involved crying in bed and dealing with medication side effects. Once my friend from the hospital was discharged too, I had someone to talk to on my own level and understanding. Our talking and visits brought me immeasurable peace.

I resumed therapy at my university one day a week and I began the slow process of completing course work through the summer. I also started working at a local restaurant (despite claiming I would never work in food service again).

My mental illness stabilized significantly with my therapist. My medications were adjusted and reduced. My mind suddenly became clear and my moods evened out.

It became relatively easier to concentrate on work, but I still found it hard to keep myself motivated. My academic mentor was a huge help and encouraged me every single step of the way. My professors worked with me as well and made it possible for me to graduate in the end.

Graduating and arranging my own care had dramatically mended my relationship with my parents. I felt immense pride to finally have them watch me walk. Along with them was my sister, nephew, brother-in-law, my Paka, as well as my aunt and uncle. I had many family members also watch it on Live Stream.

I look back now and see how far I have come; the obstacles I overcame and the dangers avoided. I will admit I am still a more cynical and disillusioned person. I distrust by default and require proof that my trust can be invested in someone. Self-deprecating humor has become a shield, as well as avoiding any social encounters that may provide the slightest challenge. Tinted sunglasses and bland clothing kept me anonymous on campus.

Limiting contact with people depressed me, but it also allowed me to figure out who I could trust; it allowed me to determine if they had a genuine interests in me. I am slow to show affection now and I am rather scared to. The prospect of weakening myself for another and to be vulnerable, terrifies me to no end.

However, I am learning to love myself and become more confident. I have developed a wonderful and close relationship to my co-workers – I love the random after-shift dinner runs or meeting at a local bar to celebrate or relax. I finally feel welcome and a sense of belonging that I have never had before.

Last year had been a hair-raising, heart-pounding affair that saw me drag my knees through hell – only for me to emerge victorious.

To quote Carrie Fisher, “They say many of us only seem to find heaven by backing away from hell. And while the place that I have arrived at in my life may not be precisely everyone’s idea of heavenly, I could swear sometimes – if I am quiet enough – I can hear the angels sing. Either that or I have screwed up my medication.”