I've been working on myself lately. Trying to keep busy and develop who I am after losing myself in other people. I want to be proud of the things I do, the things I stand for, and the people I'm around. But it's not easy; at any point in your life it's not easy when you've realized that you're lost and want to find who you are again.
I think acknowledging a change needs to be made is the first step: being brutally honest with yourself no matter how much it hurts. Saying: somehow I lost myself along the way. I lost myself in another person, I let the stress and exhaustion take over who I am, or I just have no idea what it is that I want or what it is that I stand for. Saying to yourself; as much as it might hurt other people, I need to do what is best for me. I need to be selfish, and I need to be okay with wherever my heart leads me because that's who I am. And I shouldn't be afraid of that.
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I think the next step is accepting those things. This goes hand in hand with acknowledgement. I got mad at myself for a while, and sometimes I'm still mad at myself, for being brutally honest. Brutal honesty applies to many areas when working on oneself. It's hard to face the fact that you're not the person you always tried to be or that what's best for you isn't always what's easiest. Whatever the case may be, accepting who you are, the good and the bad, can be hard.
And the process may take months or years or the better half of a lifetime, but it's crucial because at the end of the day, the only person there for you is you. You need to love everything about yourself, you need to be there for yourself. Build your own support system with everything you love doing. And finding those things you love, finding that support and encouragement can also be difficult.
That's why the next step is testing the waters. Trying new things: things you're scared of doing, things you thought you'd hate, things that might make you cry, things that might make you incredibly happy and take you to a new level you didn't think existed. But if you don't try you'll never know. Working on myself has taught me that I do have a void, and I never want to be dependent on anyone to fill that void. So I'm filling it with everything and anything I love doing. In order to do that, there might be things I discover I hate doing. But my advice is to do it anyway. Take the good with the bad. I tried the gym and fell in love with something I thought I was allergic to (true story). I'm starting to read more, falling in love with characters that exist in a totally different world. I started making music with some great friends, and fell even more in love with songwriting and people. I coach a basketball team, and while I've done this before, I have recently been taking a new outlook on it. I'm truly enjoying every moment I get to spend with a great group of talented and special kids. I've realized that trying new things or living in the moment makes me feel a little less empty and a little more like myself again. I'm finding new kinds of love to fill this void and to further develop myself.
Here are some helpful hints I've learned along the way for other people starting their own journey:
1. Always remain strong and positive.
2. Letting go of toxic people can be difficult, but never apologize for doing what's best for you. This isn't a selfish act.
3. Sometimes you love the things you thought you hate and hate the things you thought you love. That's okay, people's interests change all the time.
4. Don't look to anyone for approval.
5. Do things purely for you, no one else.
6. Don't apologize for your feelings; they are valid.
7. Taking time away from social media can be a crucial step.
8. If you follow your passions and be true to who you are, the right people will find you.
9. When the going gets tough, don't give up. Try harder. The best things in life aren't easy; they're worked at.
10. When someone shows their true colors, believe them, and walk away when the relationship becomes toxic, no matter how scared you might be.
11. If someone wants to be in your life enough, they'll do so regardless. Never try to make someone stay.
12. Whatever's meant to happen will happen, but that doesn't mean you should wait for it. Sometimes you need to go after what you want and be the master of your own fate.
13. At the end of the day, you are your own support system.
14. But it's okay to ask for help and seek the love you deserve.
15. You are special and unique. If someone does not want to be in your life, it is truly their loss. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you.
My journey is far from over. I know I have a long way to go, but I'm starting to learn and grasp the most important lesson:
16. I am beautiful. I am worth it. I am good enough. And I'm not going to let anyone or anything make me forget that or forget myself again.
