To all the sleepless nights, random bursts of mental breakdowns, and continuous negative thoughts – I despise you. I try and fight you off and control the torture of thoughts that go through my head every day, but sometimes you win the battle.

It seems that with the continuous negativity that will simply arise at random times of my day, and the need of constant reassurance seems to tear myself apart from humanity and from the people I love the most.

The constant worrying that everyone’s out to get you, and that nobody’s here to stay is what gets me the most. The need to want that simple “Everything is going to be ok, I’m not going anywhere,” is what simply relieves my state of mind and I am finally able to relax.

But, then that time comes, and the cycle replays all over again, and then I fall into this mental state of mind that I can’t seem to pull myself out of. The fear that drowns me is wondering if I am always bothering someone – or the feeling that others feel so obligated to be in my life because of the pressure I put on them.

I try to control it the best I can, but somedays it tears me apart – wondering how one simply is able to handle me by the overwhelming negativity I bring into their life. Don't get me wrong, I am not always negative. But, some days, it is pretty bad. I wish some people had the sense of understanding that I have for them.

Just by that one unanswered text message, or the switch of tones in their voices day to day, is what makes me start overthinking that I did something wrong.

By one simple ignored phone call, or one simple “I’m busy today,” creates thoughts that affect my whole day, causing me to feel unworthy and all alone.

When people say, “overthinking kills,” they are so right. You could be having a perfect day with someone, and still think that they didn’t want to hang out with you and you apologize, even when there is nothing to apologize for.

You always feel guilty of something. You always feel like you will never be good enough for someone to actually want you in their life. It's a sense of loneliness and disturbance that shouldn't even be thought about, but it does, and will continue.

There are days where I won’t even respond back to a message thinking, they don’t even want to talk to me, I should give them space, when they are most likely waiting on the other end for your response.

Reassurance is what seems to get me through the day, and unfortunately if I don’t receive that, I have some sort of mental breakdown as if life’s so hard. It’s a mixture of exaggeration, but within that exaggeration, a bit of reality that I can’t seem to stop on my own.

I despise everyone who constantly says, “everything is fine, stop worrying,” well, unfortunately, if that was the case, I wouldn’t worry. But, I just can’t help it.

Within all the friendships, and relationships I create, there is some fear in the back of my head, that they are just going to leave you. Everyone is just going to leave you, and nobody really cares for you.

Thinking of the worst is better than thinking of the positive outcomes, right? So, that you are never disappointed with the outcome. Well, that’s just my opinion anyway.

I apologize to everyone that I may overwhelm on a day to day basis with the constant pressure. Know that it’s not for sympathy, and it’s out of my control, and I try my best to push through the day not thinking this way.

But I also appreciate the people who have been loyal to me, and have pushed through this with me, being by my side as I throw myself to the grown unexpectedly some days. Some days its better than others, but when its bad, its bad. One negative thought, and everything is going wrong, and nothing seems like its going right. Your worth seems questionable, and you are waiting for that person to let you know that they are here to stay. We seem to have no idea on how not to overthink.

But, as I always tell my friends, and people whom are close to me, "It doesn't rain forever." Push through.