Although I am confident I am capable of holding my own hand, I sometimes am a tad curious as to why no one else is. Some say to look within to find the answers to my relationship woes (or lack thereof). However, with confirmation from my cat that I am a somewhat captivating individual and my appearance is up to par with those of supermodels, I shall look to the stars for resolutions. To those of you who may also be wondering why the hell the opposite sex has such an aversion from you, the Zodiac gods will attempt to clue you in as to why you are just so stagnantly single.
Aries (March 21st-April 19th): To you, a relationship should be a well oiled machine that is always increasing in productivity. However, it is not uncommon for a relationship to consist of a lot of down time in which the only thing productive that happens is deciding what pizza to order. Next time, think of yourself as the alluring business partner rather than the demanding CEO.
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): You love feeling secure in a relationship so being single forces you to seek security in less socially desirable activities. Yeah, I guess its true, your Netflix account will never wake up in the morning and tell you it no longer loves you. To you, patience is a virtue. Conversely, patiently waiting for Justin Bieber to wise up and fall into your arms is not realistic.
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): You just can’t decide whether you prefer blondes are brunettes. The first thing you do is consider whether or not his dominant dark eyes will rule out the recessive nature of your blues. You do want your children to have the pick of the litter from the gene pool.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Whenever you feel a connection, you feel it intensely. Love at first sight is a very real concept for you. You often contemplate whether or not you just fell deeply and passionately in love with your Jimmy John’s delivery boy the moment your eyes met. No, I promise you, it’s just a lust for the freaky fast service.
Leo (July 23-August 22): You are not afraid to make the first move, which is very admirable. You are generous with your love and that is often taken advantage of. Don’t be such an open book. Potential lovers dig a little mystery. Next time he or she asks you how you got your skin so soft, don’t go into detail about your moisturizing routine.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): You always pat yourself on the back for being the thoughtful one. You appreciate the good in others very easily. However, you tend to smother yourself with such thoughts. Instead of contemplating the meaning of life and whether or not you will find it in another’s soul, sit back, relax, and enjoy the company of a companion.
Libra (September 23-October 22): Honesty is key for you, but the truth stings a bit. The fact that not everyone remembers learning the Golden Rule in preschool really bothers you. Accepting that most passive aggressive texts are simply the nature of millennials is your kryptonite. Justice will probably not be served.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): You have a hard time taking no for an answer. You never do things without purpose, which makes you very successful. But the purpose of your love life is simply not to jump to the immediate question of “where is this going?” He will likely scratch his head and say, “I thought we were going to the movies?”
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): You are always on the move, which prevents you from putting roots down into one person. You seek satisfaction in unconventional ways which leaves you somewhat underwhelmed by the majority of the population. Don’t be too quick to pass something up, the guy at the bar with the terrible taste in beer might just be poor, not uncultured.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): You are realistic when it comes to relationship expectations. You realize that not everyone is as suave as Casanova. This is not a suggestion to lower your standards. Regardless, its still not acceptable to settle for someone who slaps your ass in public or doesn't change his underwear regularly.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): You tend to make pretty deep observations about the world around you. This is a totally awesome quality, but some people might find that pretty intimidating. Okay so maybe we’ll never know why the sky is blue, but there is no need to stress a potential partner out about it. Always say what you are thinking, but approach topics with the right tone.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): You are quick to fly off the handle, and when you do its pretty hard to reel you back in. Your moods are sensitive and you understand that placing them in the hands of someone else is a major risk. You never hesitate to trade a human for a drink.
There you have it, galactic reasons for leading a life lacking love. Don’t lose hope! There is someone out there that will appreciate all of your slightly neurotic behaviors.
