I hate the summer.

Yes, you heard me correctly. I’m that girl. I thrive in the cold, with blankets and hot tea and plaid shirts. I’m happiest when the first snow of the season creates a white, sparkling perfection.

And yes, I know we're nowhere near summer yet and that's how much I hate it, I'm dreading it in March. It's hot and sweaty and no matter how much I lay out, I'm a proud to be pale girl, and I'll never be as tan as everyone else.

But really I hate summer because it's nothing I ever imagine or pretend it'll be. We pretend it's going to be like all the movies and it's going to be the "summer to remember." We pretend that we're Sandy and we're going to meet the Danny of our dreams and get tan and lay around the beach all day.

The weeks leading up to summer, everyone posts Instagram pictures like this:

Something everyone judges me on is the fact that I hate the beach. It’s messy and sand gets in places where sand should never be. And it’s So. Damn. Hot. You try and lay out but you last 5 minutes before running and drowning yourself in disgusting, dirty, pee-filled ocean water.

And let's chat about laying out. Really, why? Why do we lay there and burn our skin in the sun all day to compete for the tannest body all summer? Maybe I'm bitter for somehow lacking the ability to be tan, but I just don't think it's that big of a deal.

My body has also never been ready for summer. Summer sneaks up on me and I'm truly never prepared. I didn't do that weight plan I talked about and I said I was going to take up jogging, but instead I willingly ate ice cream. Oops. So no, I don't really feel like putting on a teeny-tiny bathing suit and feeling self conscious and pale while I lay there and do nothing.

I always feel sticky and sweaty and gross during the summer. I'm constantly taking a shower and then as soon as I go outside, I get all disgusting again. Ugh. Truly the only good thing about summer is having ice cream all the time without being judged.

So if you see me this summer, this will be me: