On October 28th, Amherst College had its first snow. I do not like snow. Here’s my stream of consciousness reaction.
Just woken up
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Okay, no time to sleep in, got a lot to do. Better check the phone for the weather real quick. ITS SNOWING?!?!?! How bad is it? Okay, I can barely see it from the window so I guess it’s a little flurry. Nothing to be worried about.
A few hours later
Oh man, it’s starting to pick up. Better grab the snow jacket just in case. If I’m lucky, it won’t be too bad. Now I just have to get through these next three hours of classes and I’ll be done for the day.
After classes. The snow is now coming down in full force. What follows is not dramatized in anyway whatsoever and whoever says otherwise is a filthy snow-loving liar. Would I ever make up a narrative for humorous effect? Psh. For shame judgmental reader. For shame.
This is what hell looks like. All of those paintings of the fire and brimstone have it all wrong. Hell is when everything you can see gets covered in a bunch of fluffy white garbage while Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer laugh at your misery. Why is this happening? I knew that this winter was supposed to be way worse than last year, but give me a break. It’s October! It shouldn’t be snowing in October! Isn’t there some kind of law against this? Is this God punishing us for putting up Christmas decorations and sales two or three months beforehand?
It’s an indisputable scientific fact that the cold sucks, right? So answer me this. Why do we as a species allow this to happen? We’ve sent men into space and we created a massive world wide web that lets me look at cat videos on the internet. Would it really be so hard to make some kind of Weather Dominator? I mean, if COBRA can do it, we should be able to. You know, I bet that’s why they built it. It wasn’t to take over the world, it was just to make sure that they could live in peace without snow. The Joes were the real terrorists after all.
At least we’re not in Hartford. That video looked like the apocalypse (NOTE: my parents were flying into Hartford for Amherst’s Family Weekend on that day. I told them to dress warmly and they landed in a blizzard. Hooray).
The best part of it is that I’m sure that this will all eventually melt away. And then I will rejoice and sing praises to the sun. But before we reach that joyous occasion, I just know that I’m going to slip and fall because of all the slush on the ground. I’m going to wave my arms around and try to preserve my balance, but I’m going to wind up on my rear end and then I will know that the universe truly hates me.
This then happened.
