I recently turned 23, which marks exactly one year since I graduated from college. In that year, I have grown and changed so much. I certainly do not live the life idolized by so many 20-somethings. I don’t live in a big city, party every night, or have some dream job. I am most definitely not where I pictured myself at 23. However, over the past year, I have come to some very big realizations.

At 14, I desperately wanted to be 22. The threshold I came to believe was adulthood and the finish line for pain and suffering. I thought I would have everything figured out. I would move out of my parents’ house, to a big city in a new state. Land a really great job, on the fast track to getting promoted to some supervisory or managerial position by the time I was 30. I was wrong, so wrong. I am not sure how else I can sum up how wrong I was. But to put it simply, I was wrong.

The day after I graduated college and a long night of well-deserved drinking, I packed my bags and moved to the one place I vowed I would never sleep another night. My high school bedroom. Smack dab in between my 16-year-old brothers’ room and my parents’ bedroom. Working a job that I did not want. Seeing people from high school I did not want to see. Ever again. I have never been to hell. But I feel that it would be a safe bet to call it a vacation spot next to what I was dealing with here.

But what I came to realize over the past year is no one has their life together, not by a long shot. We are all faking it. We are all pretending. We are all scared. I have yet to hear someone my age sound confident in any choice they have made so far. I have yet to hear anyone sound happy or thrilled with where they are living or the job that they have. I am most certainly no different. I think that is what I would like everyone to know, though. We all feel alone, lost, scared, unhappy, unsure, confused, etc. I think so many of us think, “I am the only one who is going through this, why can’t I have this person’s life. They have it so easy.”

It is so much easier for us to compare ourselves to everyone else, without looking at the big picture. Everything takes time. Rome was certainly not built in a day, and your future certainly will not be either. You have the ability to change things that you are not happy with. If you find that you are unhappy with your current job, find a new one. I know that sounds easier said than done. Trust me I have been trying to get a new job for quite some time. However, I can at least say that I am trying to make a change. Do not think that this is a competition. It is not. Just because Sally has her dream job does not mean that she has her dream life. I am sure there are things you possess that Sally wishes she has. Which brings me to my next point. We are all willing to make “trades” at this point in our life. “I would give anything to have your struggle. At least you have a place of your own. I’m stuck here with my parents.” You have to be able to see things from other people’s perspectives. Just because someone has something that you think is “less” of a struggle, does not make it so.

We are all changing our minds. Last year I wanted nothing more than to be a case manager in the field of social work. That has not quite happened for me, and I am okay with it. Every day I am changing my mind. So many times that my friends are probably taking bets on what my next job conquest will be. Some days I would still love to be a social worker, yet some days I want to try something out of my realm and comfort zone, to see if I maybe am destined to do something else. I have met so many people who are using their degrees, but have found that they are unhappy, and now are going to try something else. I think we all secretly wonder if the degree we chose to pursue is really for us. I used to think that I had to use my degree because I went to school for four years to get it. However, I am coming to find that this is untrue. If I feel that something is not for me, why would I continue to do it? For the soul fact that I got a degree in it? No. If I feel that I wasted four years on a degree, fine. But I will be damned if I waste any more time. I’ll simply pursue something else, and if it turns out to be great, awesome. If not, I can always try something else.

We are all wondering if we are making the right choices. Every day I hear one of my friends putting their lives on a timeline. “I need to find a significant other now or I will never get married by 27 and have kids by 28.” Yeah, and if you jump into it too fast you may be planning for a divorce by the time you’re 29, so please, calm down. Do not put yourself on an imaginary timeline. It does not exist. There is no perfect age to get married, or have kids. All of us are wondering if what we are doing is worth it, or if someday we will look back and say, “I should have done that when I had the chance.” But so many of us are scared of the unknown. What if I go back for my master’s and five years from now it’s not what I want to do. Or what if I have a baby with someone I am not going to be with forever. What if I lose my job and I lose everything? Here’s my advice. Anything can happen at any time. You can lose your job with or without a baby. You can have a baby with the right person right now, but five years from now, they may not be the person you thought they were. Scary I know. But it is life, and it is all a gamble. There is no timeline and there is no safety net that will catch you when and if you fall.

We will all lie to you. We will tell everyone how great things are, even when they absolutely suck. Reminds me a lot of dieting at 20. “How’s the diet coming?” “It is going so great, I know you cannot tell but I lost 15 pounds. I am eating so healthy, and exercising a lot.” Which is exactly what I said literally five minutes after I stuffed my face with McDonald's. The thing is we are all afraid of the way others perceive us. We are all afraid of failure. It is better to fail in silence and solitude than to have an entire group of people we really do not care all that much about think we are unsuccessful. That is the problem. We think we have to impress everyone. Update: We do not. So what we don’t have anything together? Ask anyone who had their life together at 23 (excluding famous people, who have had their lives together since pre-utero). Nearly all of us are lying. You can bet your bottom dollar that half the people on your Facebook gloating about how great they have it, are complaining to their best friend after six glasses of wine on a Tuesday night, that they hate their job and their life. I am not saying I have done that, but I am also not saying I am opposed to drinking a glass of wine on a Tuesday night while telling my best friend all of my current insecurities as a 23-year-old.

We have all come home and cried. That’s right. We have all come home, laid in our bed, and cried. Sometimes while screaming, “WHY, WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF?” then belly-flopping on our beds and crying tears of pure pity and sorrow for ourselves. And depending on the circumstances sometimes shame and regret. Then we get ourselves together like the adults we are, put our pajamas on and think of all the ways we can get even. Okay, so maybe that’s just me. I can be bitter. It’s fun and therapeutic. You should try it. Most of us then lay in our pajamas, sobbing, whilst binge watching Netflix, binge eating, and downing an entire bottle of the closest alcoholic beverage.

I think so many of us were in such a hurry to grow up. Being able to leave your house and not having to tell anyone. Being able to make your own money and have your own place. Having a social life that revolved around reckless decisions. But anyway. This whole growing up thing, it is overrated. But would I go back in time if I could? No. I know that if I went back to being 14 I would want to be right where I am right now anyway. The future is so uncertain, and I think that was what was so scary in the first place. I wanted to know when I was 14 that at 23 I was going to be okay, and now I know.

I have come to the realization that I am doing just fine for a 23-year-old, and so should you. No matter what age you are.